The Real Money's in the Prostate (with Dion Flynn)

Dion Flynn is a comedian and staff writer on The Tonight Show, where he frequently appears as various outrageous characters who make Jimmy Fallon laugh his bum off. Dion talks to us about one of his early gigs as a standardized patient, which is an actor hired to simulate an illness for the purposes of helping medical students practice their diagnosing techniques. Wait until you hear about a fellow actor who often stayed after hours to endure up to 20 prostate exams at a time in exchange for extra cash. This prompted us to coin the term "prostate-tution", making us feel very clever indeed.

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Transcript

Ellie [00:00:07] Hello and welcome to Open Up and Say HA, stories from underneath the paper gown. Julia. Yeah? What you got going on this week? 

Julia [00:00:16] Mine's kind of short. I just have a discovery. It's not even in discovery. It's something I've known that I've actually put into practice. And I'm like, oh, this is, like, really works. And that. And this is a PSA for, for any people or aged men, women whatever. Trentino in. Which is essentially retina. Okay. You can get it. You could go like an apostrophe and get like a subscription to it or get it from your dermatologist or whatever. But I've got the prescription strength, and I have been using it regularly on my face. And holy fuck does it make a difference just in terms of, like, the evenness of my skin? You know, like just. Yeah, it's it's amazing. 

Ellie [00:00:53] It's called Trenton. Nolan. 

Julia [00:00:55] Trenton now. 

Ellie [00:00:55] And when you first said Trenton Nolan, I thought it was like the name of someone you know. 

Julia [00:01:00] Like I'm known. Somebody who looks like. 

Ellie [00:01:03] Some guys, like I thought were going to tell me a story about some guy named. 

Julia [00:01:06] Trent. I know, and a guy named Trent that I'm known. 

Ellie [00:01:10] Oh, sure. Sure. Yeah. Or like, none of the friends Trent and own. Trent and own both have great skin. That's why they invented. But it's not a name brand product. It's a chemical. Is that what it is? 

Julia [00:01:23] It is a fake. It's a topical cream. Called Trent. No, and I neither know the trench. I don't know the Trent. 

Ellie [00:01:33] But I don't know any difference. 

Julia [00:01:35] Trent. And knowing it's wonderful and any, like, any, you know, dermatologist or like, esthetician will tell you that it's like, fantastic. So this is more of a PSA and a discovery. So there you go. Okay. And you're. 

Ellie [00:01:45] Welcome. Welcome. 

Julia [00:01:46] Welcome, everybody. How about you make. 

Ellie [00:01:49] Up. 

Julia [00:01:49] Your. 

Ellie [00:01:50] Minds different. So like, I was texting with my dad who lives in New Zealand, and we were having a lovely chat and like, after this, like, lovely dump that I gave him dump via text. He was like, all right, I had an irregular bowel screening. So it was like, hey, I'm going to be working at this yard sale tomorrow and it's gonna be a beautiful day. It was my tax. And then he was like, I had an irregular bowel screening, like came onto my phone and I was like, what is that now? I should tell everyone. My father lives in New Zealand. They do things a little bit differently medically there. So he said, I have to get I had an irregular bowel screening, I have to have a colonoscopy. But yeah. 

Julia [00:02:26] So you poop and eat first and then they make you do a. 

Ellie [00:02:30] Apparently so like here, you know, they recommend your first colonoscopy at age. Whatever your doctor recommends it in. You're like maybe 40 something, 40 something depending on your doctor. I was 45. And then then your doctor will, depending how it is, either come back in five years or ten years and this is how they screen for colorectal cancer. So I guess in New Zealand, part of your regular annual physical is you poop and collect some stool samples and they like analyze that first. And then if that's weird then they recommend a colonoscopy. And you know, I was like, are you worried? And then I quickly googled and apparently if there's any presence of any kind of blood in your stool, which could. 

Julia [00:03:08] Simply be anything from. 

Ellie [00:03:09] Could be from swallowing blood could be from, you know, it could be from an ulcer or something else that could. 

Julia [00:03:13] Also just be from like a tear in your. 

Ellie [00:03:16] It doesn't mean you're. 

Julia [00:03:17] Right, sir. 

Ellie [00:03:17] Yeah, totally. Exactly correct. But, I just thought, you know, you were you gave a you gave a helpful tip about, Trent and Owen and, Trent and Owen, who live in New Zealand, have to poop in a cup before they get told if they need to have a colonoscopy. And so that's all. I mean, stay tuned. Like, I hope this doesn't turn into, like, a really tragic day and something horrible happens, but I don't think so. I don't think so. Fine. He doesn't have like a history of that in his family. And I think he's. 

Julia [00:03:44] And blood in stool isn't so uncommon. Like I said, it can happen, from a lot of different things you. 

Ellie [00:03:49] Can even from swallowing it like if you I know. 

Julia [00:03:51] You said, yeah, if you're poor, you're a vampire and you drink a lot of blood and then you go, like, take a shit in a cup. Yeah, I know what you're taking is like, oh, you split your lip or, like, you bite your cheek, or. 

Ellie [00:04:02] Like, my dad has, like, a lot of, sinus issues. 

Julia [00:04:05] And you consider sinus issues? 

Ellie [00:04:07] I relate, so like square, it's like scraping up his throat, maybe swelling some blood. 

Julia [00:04:11] I don't know so much about your dad now. 

Ellie [00:04:12] My dad's a vampire with irregular bowels. Is what? The conclusion of this tale. 

Julia [00:04:19] I think we should move out of this conversation as quickly as possible. 

Ellie [00:04:22] I think we should make a new podcast about a vampire dad with irregular bowels. Our guest today is Dion Flynn. Dion Flynn. Well, we'll tell you more about him when we have him on. But, he has recently become a regular staff writer on Jimmy Fallon, and that is freaking huge. Yeah. And I can't wait for you to hear from him, because he's a really fun guy. Yeah. 

Julia [00:04:44] Fine. Well, I'm not going to riff on that. 

Ellie [00:04:47] Just move on. Okay? Okay. Let's do. He's a mushroom. He's a mushroom. Oh, Ali. Sorry. Currently a staff writer on The Tonight Show. Dion Flynn is a teacher, speaker, improviser, comedian, and US Army veteran. Best known for his comedic portrayals on late night TV. A 2023 New America Fellowship recipient and MFA graduate from NYU. He's cited by Oprah Magazine as one of our favorite creative thinkers. Hosting and storytelling at the Moxie masterfully connects people through fun, innovative methods in his improvisers mindset workshops impacting business professionals, writers, students, and more. Dion, we're so excited you're here! Yay! 

Dion Flynn [00:05:37] I'm so happy to be here. I'm very, very excited about a podcast that explores illness and past experiences with illness. No, because it's like, honestly, because it's like, who does that? No one does that. 

Ellie [00:05:51] I think. 

Julia [00:05:51] We're doing it during the. 

Ellie [00:05:53] Original. Yeah. You know, I just think, you know, Julia and I are in midlife, Dion, I believe. Yes, you are as well, if that's all right for me to say. 

Dion Flynn [00:06:03] No, I'm just. I'm just a spring flower. 

Ellie [00:06:05] Totally. And I don't know. Don't you find that many, if not most, of your conversations? When you're catching up with friends, it turns to like your ailments. Your medical. 

Dion Flynn [00:06:16] Yeah, yeah, the the the it's in my mind more than it ever was before that, that I can definitely tell you. I probably tend to, like, use positive affirmation thinking and try not to dwell on it personally, but it's in my mind, like my hip is doing weird things it never did before, and it's not bouncing back as quickly. 

Julia [00:06:38] Exactly the bounce. 

Ellie [00:06:39] Back. Like I even got a cut like shaving the other day and was like, oh, I'll just put the antibiotic ointment on it. And it's been a month and there's still a red dot on my leg. Like, why doesn't my leg regenerate skin the way that it once did? Where is my skin regeneration? Dionne? Where is. 

Dion Flynn [00:06:57] It? Your body has stopped healing. The body was like they're of a certain age. Let's stop bringing in the new stuff. 

Ellie [00:07:04] That's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Yes, exactly. 

Julia [00:07:07] I don't, I don't like it. No, no, I'm not a. 

Ellie [00:07:10] Fan, but a. 

Julia [00:07:11] Fan. 

Ellie [00:07:12] As we also said, aging is better than the alternative. 

Dion Flynn [00:07:15] Which is dying. 

Ellie [00:07:16] Correct? 

Julia [00:07:17] Right backwards. Because I don't want to be a baby. 

Dion Flynn [00:07:20] That's funny. The Benjamin button. The Benjamin button? Yeah. You got that one. 

Julia [00:07:24] Weird. Dion, before we get into the story, can you please tell us something? I want to know what kind of patient are you when it comes to real life medical situations? Are you like, are you a good patient, a bad patient, a curious patient? 

Dion Flynn [00:07:41] You know, I remember back, you know, maybe I'm the way that I always was when I was young. And the reason I say maybe that's true is because I do remember this one. My mom would eventually take me to the doctors like she, you know, she was trying to save money. We didn't want to spend money. You had to really be sick to go to the doctors when I was growing up. And she would she would threaten me in the car. She would say, and when we get there, don't tell him nothing's wrong, you know, because I would go there because I go there, and then I'd be like, oh, well, it wasn't really that bad. And so she would coach me into really making sure that we got our money's worth. 

Julia [00:08:21] There better be something wrong with you. 

Dion Flynn [00:08:23] It better be some doctor and don't clam up, you know. Don't clam up now. And I could see where that would be frustrating. You know, you bring a kid into the doctor and he's like, nothing. So I guess my thing used to be when I was seven, eight, nine was I was, you know, maybe I would not want to trouble the doctor. You know, I don't want to make a big deal of it. And that's probably actually still true of me. Yeah. I'm not the guy who will go for every little thing. Like, I did go to the doctors for, a kidney stone two years ago, and I, I just had to go. I literally couldn't do the zoom meeting that I needed to do. I just got off of it or so anyway, I couldn't walk. I was all bent over and we walked. We lived in Brooklyn at the time, and we walked down to the. And, had I had to go, there was no. If there's a choice between me going and not going, I won't go. Like, if it's up to me, I'll be like on the go. 

Julia [00:09:21] Understood? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a couple times in the past where, like, I needed to go to the hospital and I would not have gone if it weren't for the person that was with me. Yeah, I know what I mean. And it was good that I went. And thank God they were there to make me go. But otherwise, like, I, I'm like, I'll just sit here and maybe die. It's fine. 

Dion Flynn [00:09:39] Yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You know, I don't know what that is. I don't think I don't want to think of myself as like a martyr. I feel like it's the opposite of martyrdom. I just don't want to be hypochondriac. Cool. Yeah, because a. 

Julia [00:09:53] Lot of trouble. 

Dion Flynn [00:09:54] It's a lot of general trouble. Anybody? I don't want to. 

Ellie [00:09:57] Hear that word pronounced like that. Me neither. I've heard of a contract, but that's. 

Julia [00:10:02] Like a $5 word. 

Dion Flynn [00:10:03] Well, here's my understanding. We'd have to Google this together. That a hypochondriac is the noun and hypochondriac is the adjective form. Is that right? Let's get on that. 

Ellie [00:10:15] Let's not say it's wrong. I don't want to. That's not what I want. 

Julia [00:10:18] I can drive a car. Look at you. Is it rejected by hypochondria? 

Ellie [00:10:24] Look at you. I mean, I. 

Dion Flynn [00:10:26] I don't want to think of myself that way, you know? I in fact, I think of it as somewhat. There's a bit in my life when it comes to illness. There's an American flag undulating in the background and a bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum pop up. And I'm going. No, I, I think I can get through. And I've been through a lot. 

Ellie [00:10:48] Maybe this is the Army thing. This is like the Army veteran thing. 

Dion Flynn [00:10:51] I think it is a problem. Yeah, because in sitcom jobs, in suck it up and drive on. Exactly. That's the phrase they used. You had to be if you got a name for yourself for going to sick call. Because if you if you said you were sick in the morning, you got out of all the difficult stuff. And I took advantage of that a time or two. But there were guys that took it way too far. The guys that got out of the Army under those conditions, they just didn't want to do the thing and they got out of it. But look, I took advantage of that every once in a while. And you were not looked upon positively by the leadership if you were sick, if you weren't absolutely sick. 

Ellie [00:11:30] I can't imagine you would be. 

Dion Flynn [00:11:32] Because they called him malingering. 

Julia [00:11:34] Oh, he's a malingering. 

Dion Flynn [00:11:36] You're a if you're a malingering, then you're somebody who's sick on uncle's Uncle Sam's money time and you're not really sick. 

Ellie [00:11:44] I want a. 

Julia [00:11:44] Flag. 

Ellie [00:11:45] I want your new bio to say, like Diane Flynn. Hypochondriac, malingering. 

Dion Flynn [00:11:52] Not that he's actually not the opposite of that. 

Ellie [00:11:55] The anti hypochondriac. Anti malingering. 

Dion Flynn [00:11:59] That's right. 

Ellie [00:12:00] None of it. 

Dion Flynn [00:12:00] I don't I don't want to trouble anybody. Look I understand that there's an open hole in my chest. You know where this comes from. I'll tell you where it comes from. I got injured in the back yard one time when I was a kid and my mom, she would panic sometimes. Like if I got hurt, she would get angry. She would get a combination of angry and inconvenienced and I didn't want to deal with it. So I remember I did this, this is exactly what I did. I was bleeding from the head and I and I held my hand on my head and I propped my pops, my head around the corner, and I said, mom, don't panic. And then I told her, so that's my ongoing psychological gesture. I'm injured, I need help, but I'm going to take care of you first just to make sure you don't, you know, go nuts. And, so that's that's part of it. 

Julia [00:12:56] Look, I don't know if you see a therapist, but now you don't need to, because we just uncovered the root cause. 

Ellie [00:13:02] Here is a breakdown. 

Dion Flynn [00:13:03] Do you guys go to therapy? 

Ellie [00:13:04] Yeah. 

Julia [00:13:05] Oh, heck yes. 

Dion Flynn [00:13:06] Yeah, I go to therapy. I've got therapy for years, Sam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have. 

Julia [00:13:10] To uncover that. You better share that and say, hey, how can we haven't figured this out? I had to do this out on a podcast. 

Dion Flynn [00:13:16] I want to write. I want to write out a check to you guys. All right. 

Julia [00:13:20] We'll take. 

Ellie [00:13:20] A call. All right. Now, your your story is loosely titled Paying Sick, but it's not just one story. It's a bunch of your recollections from being a standardized patient, also known as an SP. For listeners who don't know what a standardized patient is. Will you please explain. 

Dion Flynn [00:13:41] A standardized patient is a an actor or a performer, and sometimes not an actor or a performer who pretends like they're a sick patient to facilitate the learning process in a medical university. So you act like you're sick. You take on the, you take on spinal meningitis or you take on, you know, anything and you learn all the symptoms. 

Ellie [00:14:05] They give you a packet. Right. They give you. 

Dion Flynn [00:14:07] Give you a pack. You study the packet in the morning. Come and get them. You know in the morning they'll pass out the packets. You study the, you know, the symptoms. And then when the students come through, you're in a fake little, you know, the examination room in a gown. And they come in, and then you answer questions if they think to ask those questions properly and get that information. So it's a test on many, many levels for them and medical universities, you know. No. Like we know in showbiz that, you know, drama and role play are some of the most effective ways of three dimensional Ising learning. 

Ellie [00:14:50] And it's also tricky as an actor because, you know, I was offered this job once, and then I'll tell you something about that in a second. But you. They? You have to allow these medical students to try to, like you said, ask the right questions and figure out what it is that your diagnosis should be. So here you are an actor and you like maybe want to play it up, maybe your method maybe or this. But you have to be really subtle because you have to follow their cues and only give them the information that they are correctly pulling out of you. Otherwise you might give it away. So. 

Dion Flynn [00:15:24] So it's like, yes, of course. Yes, yes. Nailed it. You nailed it. And so what, what I've just heard you outline is a basic truth when it comes to teachers and test givers and people that are officially giving tests. You've got a whole range of people. You have people who are real loosey goosey and they're like, I don't care. You can look at each other's papers or whatever, and then you've got people really like, I'm not letting you get away with anything, okay, yeah, I was, and I'm not letting you get away with anything, guy. And here's why. I was not only testing them on the details and their ability to ask open ended questions and to not worry. I didn't want these. I didn't want to send bad doctors out into the world. 

Julia [00:16:06] I love. 

Dion Flynn [00:16:07] Her. You okay? Yeah. So, yeah. Here's something I learned when I was there. Well, let me finish that idea. So? So I held myself to a delusional high standard, okay? Because it was like. Okay. I mean, I'm not really stopping that many bad doctors going out into the world, but this was 20 years ago. I really held myself to. I just felt like I was at the last bastion, you know, saluting or something. I don't know, it was something. 

Julia [00:16:34] I swear you held yourself accountable, which I. 

Dion Flynn [00:16:36] Hold myself accountable. I, I really did thank you and I, I, I wanted to make sure they got it right, but I also wanted to make sure that they weren't. Selfishly worrying about themselves. Because that was one of the pitfalls. They're so worried about them getting it right that they didn't just look and be there with what was in the room. The same kind of skills you know that actors and improvisers. 

Julia [00:17:06] Like improv. 

Dion Flynn [00:17:07] Be there. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:17:08] Listening and responding. 

Julia [00:17:09] Presence being in the presence being there. 

Dion Flynn [00:17:11] Right. Exactly. So I was bringing that little, you know, that little, criteria to bear. That's one. Another one is this I noticed. That there were people that came into that room. Medical students and some of them were healers, naturally. 

Julia [00:17:32] Yeah. 

Dion Flynn [00:17:33] Weren't many. There weren't many. And some of them were doing this for someone else. And I could feel it in their bodies. They were not there because of their own, you know, affinity for this work. Now, look, people graduate every day not matched to what it is they studied. Why am I trying to? I tried to in my little room, I tried to. So I really low rated people who I thought needed to get kicked out of school because mom and dad wanted to do it, you know, for you. Because. Because I didn't want to see them go into something that they were miserable in. 

Julia [00:18:12] Yeah. 

Dion Flynn [00:18:12] So I'm operating on a lot of levels here when I'm in that little thing. 

Julia [00:18:17] So you are changing lives. Change. 

Dion Flynn [00:18:19] Well, that's okay. That's the whole thing, right? So you were changing lives. That's a punch line. If I'm just deluded. And maybe it was nothing, but I really. I didn't know this was going to be the case until I stepped in that room. Like, I didn't know that's how I was going to function as a standardized patient till I was in there. 

Julia [00:18:35] Right? Who's to say? Look, I like to think that that you impacted people's lives. I like to think that there was someone in there who was like, in medical school because their dad wanted them to be a doctor. And through this process was like, this is not what I want to do. I want to be an art history major 100%. Good for them. 

Dion Flynn [00:18:55] 100%. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And let me add to that. Okay. Years before that, I was a, a driver. I would drive, at a park and fly in, in New York somewhere, and I would take people from their car park to the airport, and I was just supposed to drive them, carry their bags, maybe get a tip. We were done. But instead I was in the wrong job. I put Trivial Pursuit cards in my shirt, and while driving, I would try to conduct, like a trivia, contest because you had like 8 or 9, ten people on the little van. And there were times when I almost ran off the road, while I was trying to read trivia. 

Julia [00:19:37] While you're reading and driving, we're not going to talk about that part. We'll just continue with this. 

Dion Flynn [00:19:40] Reading and driving can kill a friendship. And that's the and that's what I'm saying. That's how dangerous, dangerous it is to be in the wrong job. I needed to be in a more show business, game show host type of job. That was bringing people together. Workshop leader something. And it's not just nothing to be in the wrong job. You can kill that 100%. 

Ellie [00:20:02] So so so let's place place this for a second. Okay? How about how old are you when you're a standardized patient? 

Dion Flynn [00:20:10] Let's see, I'm probably in my early 30s. 

Ellie [00:20:13] Okay. And where are you living? 

Dion Flynn [00:20:15] This was a standardized patient, training program somewhere in the northeast of America. 

Julia [00:20:22] Perfect. 

Ellie [00:20:23] Got it. And, do you remember any specific ailment that you were assigned with that you would like to share that experience. 

Dion Flynn [00:20:35] They gave me? They gave me spinal meningitis. They gave me spinal meningitis. Wow. And one of the symptoms of spinal meningitis is, I guess they call it photosensitivity or. Yeah, something. 

Julia [00:20:49] That's sensitivity to light. 

Dion Flynn [00:20:50] Yeah. Sensitivity to light. So I got inside of and googled a little of what? What is that? What would that feel like? And so I just started to, like, pretend like the lights were really bothering me. You have time before your first patient comes. I mean, before your first student comes. You have time to sit around and sort of get this together for yourself. And so I really start pretending like I have this. And your spine is affected and your body is in pain, and you've got this fluid in your spine and they give you a spinal tap. So I started working all that. Oh my God. By 11, I had I had spinal meningitis, I had. Yeah, it was weird. And all the things I know now about new age thinking and positivity and health and thinking the right thought to manifest things. I can't believe I was doing it. I can't believe I spent that much time pretending deeply that I had an illness. I think it's one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Now, now, I. 

Julia [00:21:58] Think I had some friends who, you know, when I lived in Philadelphia for a time, you know, we had a I worked in experimental dance theater, you know, so, we made a lot of money. And, know the way that most of the actors that I worked with, they made money by being a standardized patient. That was like how everybody made their money. And I just used to hear stories about everyone just sitting around in the break room, like in their paper gowns. Like you go in and you'd, like, sit in your paper gown in a robe all day, and then they would call you and, like, have you come in? So there was this whole, like, culture, like in, in, in, like the acting community, like around the standardized patient thing, but I. I think it's such a useful tool. 

Dion Flynn [00:22:41] Extremely useful. Also extremely useful. It helps people. It helps the community. It's good for children. It's good for the. It's good for the children. It's good for the economy. 

Ellie [00:22:51] Oh, wait, I didn't realize that standardized patients, fraternize with one another during the. I just like, I got to sign this, so just make it about me for one second. Julie and I were theater majors at college together, and one of our professors, Tony Major, who has since passed, approached me and was like, I have a job for you. I think you'd be amazing. And he got me a gig as a standardized patient. And Dion, I'm usually so Type-A, so on top of my shit, so organized. I don't know what happen, but for some reason, I totally flaked on the day I was supposed to go meet these people, do this, whatever. And Tony called me later that day. I'd like to me a new one and was like, how could you make me look? So this is unprofessional. You did not show up. You did not take this seriously. Whatever. So I've always well, first of all, it's very clearly very upsetting. But, I've always had a curiosity about this because the way I understood it was, you know, they gave me the packet and I sort of studied up. I don't know why I forgot to show up, but I thought that I would just go in by myself and like, do this one time, you know, that day. But here you're telling me a you had to, you know, play this out over and over again with lots of different students. So you not only encountered lots of different medical students, but you're also sitting with other standardized patients who are doing the same job. So what's that like? Does anyone stick out to you like an either another standardized patient? 

Julia [00:24:20] Were they all actors or were they just like, yeah, you know. 

Dion Flynn [00:24:23] There was a guy. Okay, so some memorable figures. Absolutely. There was a guy, let me call him. I'll call him Gordie. How's that? 

Ellie [00:24:33] That's great. 

Dion Flynn [00:24:34] Okay, I'll call him Gordie. That wasn't his name, but I'll call him Gordie. Gordie was a dude in his 60s. Big, big mane of gray ish. You know, gray and black hair, big beard, big dude. Dude, you you just get a sense. This dude leaves his robe hanging open in the back, and and and, and he's, he picked me up one day, he gave me a ride, and it was like one of my first days. I can't remember how it all came about. But anyway, he picked me up and they were like, you know, he'd been pulled up and they were like tennis. Like tennis ball canisters in his car, you know, just rattling around. And. And he said, he just looked at me in his little sports car and he goes. He goes, listen, kid, the real money's in the prostate. And he drove off and I was like, wait, what? What are you saying? And then he unfolded, you know, the the, the, the hidden aspects of this, you know, pretty much every day after, after the other, standardized patients leave at 3:00, I stick around and I do a little bit extra work. Not everybody wants to do this. Not everybody's cut out for this. But, I do the prostate exam, and. Oh, 20 kids stick a finger in my ass, and. 

Ellie [00:25:47] Oh, my God, I say. 

Dion Flynn [00:25:49] And I, you know, and I and I and I was like, you know, I'm not sure I was like, at that sounds I'm not really I don't think that'll be for me. And I was like, is there is that is that pain, is that there is over time, a lot. That's what he was bragging about. Oh come on, that's why he said the real money's in the prostate. 

Julia [00:26:08] That's how we afford. So do all this tennis balls. 

Dion Flynn [00:26:11] All the tennis balls in the sports car. And he goes, and he's like, I said, what did I say to him? I said, I said, is it that difficult, like, is said painful? It's like I've made easier money. 

Ellie [00:26:24] You know what I want to call that? I want to call that prostitution. Do you hear? 

Dion Flynn [00:26:30] That's really good. Of course I do. That's brilliant. Right. 

Julia [00:26:33] It's brilliant. 

Ellie [00:26:34] It's not laugh out loud funny, but it's. It's a good. You know, you're getting paid to have fingers stuck up your ass. That's, you know, there's a fine line. There's a fine line. Like, why is that legal? But if you just did it on the street, you know, you. 

Julia [00:26:48] Got off on it. 

Dion Flynn [00:26:48] Hit it off the street. Come back here behind the 7-Eleven somebodies car. I keep saying kid, and, like, you know, but by kid, I mean a college students are sticking their fingers in his ass for medical purposes. 

Ellie [00:27:03] But, you see, this is another thing that didn't occur to me. Like I'm imagining, you know, I'm given the packet and you're you're you're answering the questions, and maybe they're, like, touching you a little bit, but I guess I never really let my mind go to the place where there would, there would be intimate touching in the way that a doctor's exam is like, you just give over. Did did did like you didn't have a finger put up your butt was there, but was there any like was there any like, palpation jiggling. Was there any you know. Yeah. 

Dion Flynn [00:27:33] It was definitely there's definitely, you know, palpating there's a lot of palpating going on. You know, it's just like the, you know, thing where doctors and they'll hit their fingers in a very it's a very Asmr satisfying kind of thing. 

Ellie [00:27:46] You know, I like the sound. 

Dion Flynn [00:27:47] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:27:48] Yeah. 

Dion Flynn [00:27:48] Get that. 

Julia [00:27:48] Get on the bone. Feels good all over like it's. 

Dion Flynn [00:27:52] And that's the other one. Yeah. Right. Emotional freedom. Emotional freedom technique. Yeah. A tap every morning. And I like this collarbone. 

Julia [00:28:00] My favorite place to have eyebrow. Eyebrow top of. 

Dion Flynn [00:28:04] I underneath here. But while you're saying your affirmations about how you don't have spinal meningitis, I never I never can. 

Julia [00:28:11] I don't have Covid, Ali. I don't have. 

Ellie [00:28:13] Covid. I don't have covet, I don't I don't think. 

Dion Flynn [00:28:15] I am a healthy, I am a healthy person. And then there's this right here on the phone. 

Julia [00:28:19] What about the the side of the hand that's. 

Dion Flynn [00:28:21] Oh, that's in the nose. You go like this, right? Yeah. You can hit them both together if you want. 

Julia [00:28:25] I do like subway because it's real, like subtle and people, you're going to get. 

Ellie [00:28:29] Your ass kicked because I feel like people are going to think it's an obscene gesture. Like, this is like Ross from friends who did the, like, the thing, you know, like kind of you like his sister. Yeah. It's like this. This is a fine line in the city. There's a fine line between nobody keeping. 

Julia [00:28:42] What you're doing and telling. Unless you're clipping your nails. Nobody cares. 

Ellie [00:28:45] Give me a break. Right. That's a good point. That's a good point. 

Dion Flynn [00:28:48] Because, well, it's all the other thing about those other jobs. Like, there were female versions, too, but those were never offered to me, obviously. But to have your, you know, your a. 

Ellie [00:28:58] Breast exam. 

Dion Flynn [00:28:59] Breast exam, vaginal exam, anal exam, all of it. And and what I from what I understand from what Gordy told me is that one person is like doing it. I think honestly, what really happened is like one person would do the test and then the others would stand around like a sort of teaching hospital in a little semicircle at his feet in the thing, and then the doctor would do it and then the others would do it. And, I just couldn't imagine how you would feel after a shift like that so much. That's a lot. That's a lot going on. 

Ellie [00:29:33] I want a lot of money for that. 

Dion Flynn [00:29:35] Yeah. I didn't get down to the exact money, but it wasn't enough. I don't even know how much it was. But it wasn't enough. 

Ellie [00:29:42] Except for prostate Guy. He really cleaned up. 

Dion Flynn [00:29:45] Well, I'm saying like, for need to do it for Gordy. It wouldn't have been there wouldn't have been enough money for me to be able to do that. You know, I just would. 

Ellie [00:29:52] We probably could have come up with that number. 

Dion Flynn [00:29:54] Give me a to give me a number now, and I'll really let it land on me. I mean. 

Ellie [00:29:58] You can okay. Like $1 million for a day of 20 students putting their finger up your ass. 

Dion Flynn [00:30:04] Yes. 

Ellie [00:30:04] Come on. 

Julia [00:30:05] Obviously. Yeah, of course you would. 

Ellie [00:30:06] There's always a number. 

Julia [00:30:07] That's what if. 500 bucks for the hour? 

Dion Flynn [00:30:10] No, but I liked better the notion that I had 30s ago, when I was presenting myself as a person who would just wouldn't I wouldn't Sully, wouldn't sully a finger, wouldn't sully my. Okay. I wouldn't wouldn't sully the fingers of others. Sure. I wouldn't sully his reputation. But once you named a number, I had to be honest. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:30:34] And now? Now everyone knows. Now everyone knows your number. 

Dion Flynn [00:30:38] That way they do. And the orders are coming in now. My phone is blowing up, right? 

Julia [00:30:41] Know I, I mean, don't come at him in his DMs. Y'all leave him alone. Leave him alone. Damn. You're amazing. Thank you for being on the show. This has been so much fun. 

Dion Flynn [00:30:56] I'm so happy to be here. 

Julia [00:30:58] Can you please tell our listeners what you're working on, where they can find you? If there's anything you'd like to promote? All that good stuff, which we will also put in the show notes. 

Dion Flynn [00:31:04] Yes, absolutely. I would love to do that. I am working on a memoir which is not titled yet, but five of the chapters are written and that will be going out sometime. I'm not so much concerned about the written version as I am about the audiobook version, which is where I'm really going to focus on getting it across, because that's kind of where I. Live. So there will be an audiobook version of my memoir at some point. It used to be called the Only Brown Kid in the Trailer Park, and there's other working titles, but whatever. That's in the works. I currently write and perform on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, so you can always see me every night there, or my work, or me appearing as one of my many characters or, watch clips on The Tonight Show, channel, and, or you can follow me on Instagram. dion_flynn_official Instagram. And, there was one other thing. Oh, yeah. No. That's it. 

Ellie [00:32:09] That's it, that's it. You've really given me a lot to think about today. And, I'm going to go talk to my husband and see what his price would be for 20 or more prostate exams by, medical students in July. I encourage you to do the same. We can compare notes, see what number you know. Like I prompted Dion with $1 million, but I want I want our menfolk to come up with their own number and see. I agree. I want to know how. 

Julia [00:32:33] Low the first thing I'm going to do when my husband gets home tonight. How low will you go? 

Ellie [00:32:37] How low will you go? 

Dion Flynn [00:32:39] And by the way, men out there of a certain age go and get a prostate exam. 

Ellie [00:32:44] Great PSA. Really? Truly. 

Julia [00:32:47] It's time bringing it right back down to earth. 

Ellie [00:32:49] Yeah. It's important. It's fun. Thank you. It was so good to see your face today. 

Dion Flynn [00:32:54] Thanks for having me, too. It's been fun.