My Kidney Stones Look Like Granola (with Wali Collins)

Wali Collins is an award winning corporate comedian, actor, producer and author.  He joined us shortly after his second bout with kidney stones, so the details were fresh in his memory and the stone was fresh in a cup next to his computer. Wali described what the stone felt like as it was passing through his "tube-age", and he and Julia bonded over their shared memory of a childhood game where kids squeeze each other until someone passes out. Charming! Ellie was horrified, but offered information about anal strep  - yes it's a thing - along with a hearty suggestion NOT to google it.

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Wali's book - The Y'Nevano Book of Encouragements

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Transcript

Julia: [00:00:00] Welcome to Open Up and Say Ha, stories from underneath the paper gown. Hi. Hi. How you doing, Ellie? Nice to see you. Great to see you yet again. It's been a minute. Yeah, it's been so long. It's not been long at all. Ellie! Yes? What's going on with you this week? Got any good stories about stuff with your body or someone else's body or whatever?

Ellie: I've been talking about other people's bodies a lot lately because I'm sick of my own. Oh, how do I put this together? A child that I know, like, I don't want to talk about my own child, right? Cause he's getting older. And like, if he hears this, 

yeah. 

A child that I know sure is having an itchy bottom and itchy butts are a fact of life of childhood.

It's all kinds of reasons why a person could have an itchy butt. Maybe you didn't wipe well, maybe you didn't shower well, maybe you got worms, [00:01:00] maybe you've got any number of things. I had an itchy butt a lot as a kid. My mom would give me tux medicated pads. They lasted. They, they, they were effective for basically like the instant the, the thing contacts your butthole.

You're like, Ooh, tingles, ooh, relief. And then you just feel like you have a cold, wet pad stuck up your butt and you want to get it the fuck out. So this child in question was taken to the pediatrician and the pediatrician took a look at the child's anal, Yeah, and proclaimed that the child had anal strep streptococcus of the a 

Julia: of the butthole.

Did you know that was a thing? Not until this moment. No, no. 

Ellie: So like swabbed the throat because I guess apparently like if you have throat strep and you like touch your mouth and then you touch your butt you can get butt strep but this child did not test positive for throat strep just huh just but i will say the [00:02:00] pediatrician of the child's question simply eyeballed the area and said this looks like anal strep so then the child was treated for anal strep but The chat, this often happens like when you take a car to the place and it makes the noise for a second, but then it like, doesn't make the noise the next day.

And maybe anyway, the, the, the, the, the child's itching went away. The child's itching had been lasting for a few days and then went away pretty much the next day. I'm getting 

Julia: like put the lotion in the basket vibes from you. Every time you talk about the child, 

Ellie: I just don't want to name the poor child. But anyway, the point is we're, we're, we're going to remove the child from the situation.

We're getting to the point. The point is coming. The point is simply that anal strep is a, this is a, this is a PSA. You can have butt strep. You can get streptococcus of the butt. And if you have a dark red ring around your asshole, that's what it could be. It could be strep and you need to treat it. So I just, you know, you live, you learn.

You live, you learn. The older I get, the more I get schooled on the weird [00:03:00] ways our bodies can betray us. Yeah. Yeah. Anal strep is betrayal number 1, 694. 

Julia: Should we begin a list? Should we begin a body, but it could be the body betrayal list. 

Ellie: Wait, will it have illustrations? 1, 

Julia: 194. 

Ellie: Yeah. Yeah. Don't Google it.

It's not cute. I don't, 

Julia: I'm not going to, I never was going to, you didn't have to give me that warning. 

Ellie: I always Google though, Julie. I always Google image a thing, but no, for I do it now. You're right. Oh, as I'm doing it, I know I shouldn't do it as I do it anyway. I know I'm going to see something I never unsee and I'm going to see the worst version of the thing.

Yeah. Yeah, because that's what the people on the internet and that's what gets the most views. So like, you know, it could be like a very light pink ring or it could be a fucking nightmare of a picture. And I've seen that picture. And I'm telling you, don't go looking for it. Or do if that's your No, the warning has 

Julia: been received.

Thank you. I'm not going to do that. I appreciate that. Thanks for the warning. [00:04:00] What about you? How's your 

Ellie: anal? 

Julia: My, my anal is good. My butthole is pretty good right now. However, remember that story about how you, you were talking about your husband and his, his reabsorption of his tooth 

Ellie: resorption. Yes.

Julia: Right. So I thought I would just stick with the reabsorption theme and talk to you about the fact that I have something called distal clavicle osteolysis. I don't know if I told you about this. No, say it again. Distal. I'm reading it because I can't remember it. Distal clavicle osteolysis. 

Ellie: I had a teacher named that.

Julia: I bet you did. I did. Did you call her DCO for short? 

Ellie: No, but tell me about this. What the fuck is this? 

Julia: Jesus Christ. Okay, so it's my right clavicle. Let's just go through the medical terms, alright? So distal meaning the furthest part away on the clavicle. So for me, it's the tip of my clavicle, which is like right about in here.

It's eroding and reabsorbing. This is a condition that's [00:05:00] common most in 20 year old boys. And I call them boys because their frontal lobes aren't fully developed yet. 20 year old boys who, who are weightlifters. I am, I am not when I was diagnosed with this, I was not weightlifting, nor was I a boy.

And this is the thing that's happening to me and I've been working to correct it. It's because of the way that essentially it's because of the way that my shoulder articulates within the joint, because I have a winging scapula. It's like all out of whack. And for me, pretty sure it's from doing pushups.

Like, the way that I was doing push ups. It doesn't matter. The point is I have a thing. 

Ellie: With a name. 

Julia: With a name, and it's annoying, and it causes me pain from time to time, and I'm, I'm not quite healed. I've been like dealing with this for years and every once in a while Like I will be actually lifting weights and i'm like fucking fuck this shoulder So I have to make sure I don't do things in a particular way to aggravate it, but fucking hell.

It's really annoying It's really annoying ellie I have a theory. Tell me. 

Ellie: As [00:06:00] part of your perimenopausal hormonal treatments, you have taken some testosterone and I think the testosterone has turned you into a 20 year old weightlifting male. 

Julia: You know, if only I were taking testosterone when the problem started, 

Ellie: then I would be like a 

Julia: genius.

It would have some weight to this 

Ellie: weightlifting, right? But no, it's not that hypothesis. Also, we don't want to spread the disinformation that no, that taking testosterone could cause that. I was being funny. You're funny. You were funny. 

Cool. 

Julia: Who's on the show today, Ellie? Let's get, let's get on with this.

This is yeah. 

Ellie: Yeah. Today we have a friend of mine Wally Collins, who I met doing corporate Entertainment things. Yeah. What's the word for that? I don't know. 

Julia: You do these corporate functions and you kind of MC Like 

Ellie: for Big Pharma and like sometimes we're hired to be like co hosts. Sometimes we've like play characters and Anyway, Wally is a well known [00:07:00] comedian throughout the country and should be really fun to talk to.

I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Thanks, 

Julia: looking forward to it. Collins is an award winning corporate comedian, actor, producer, and author. He is also curator at Lincoln Center for a show called Jokes and Jazz. You can check out his book available on Amazon called You Never Know, Book of Encouragements.

 Also uses a washcloth, In the shower. So do I, Wally. You're not alone. That is key information, Wally. And now everyone is picturing you naked. Sorry about that. Sorry we did that. Welcome to the show Wally. 

Ellie: He did it on purpose. 

Wali: Oh, that again. Seeing me naked in the shower. Oh, that again. Oh, that again.

Ellie: There's like a whole YouTube channel of that. Boring. Just kidding. Just kidding. So Wally, I told Julia about how we met, but I feel like listeners are going to be into it. Okay. So I'm Okay, you people may or may not know that there is like a whole world of corporate entertainment where companies hire [00:08:00] comedians or actors to try and make their sales meetings or internet content more entertaining.

So Wally and I have been paired together more than once to do this for big pharmaceutical companies that we are not allowed to mention for legal reasons. But we we've played everything from like, what would you say was like a Kelly Ripa, Michael Strahan duo, We did that and then we were like a pair of secret agents one time.

They're very bizarre bonding experience. I'm getting, you know what 

Julia: I'm getting? Like office, the office vibes where they go on like the retreat. Do you, this is like towards the end of the, 

Ellie: of the 

Julia: show. 

Ellie: I know what you're saying. This is more picture like a convention center and a big auditorium. I'm just saying the vibe.

Yes. Like between us. Yes. Perhaps. Anyway, I, I love that we have this history and I'm so excited that we get to chat again here in this safe space with no legal team telling us what we can and cannot say. That was a little scary at times. 

Wali: It's, it's tricky. It's, it's very tricky. 

Ellie: Especially with you because you like to improv and it's not always going to be the [00:09:00] cleanest or most appropriate.

Me, me neither. I'm filthy. 

Wali: Well, see, that's, that's one of the challenges that I enjoyed was that, you know, basically you're entertaining people at work 

Julia: and 

Wali: so you can't, you can't be like, you can't 

Julia: say fuck. 

Wali: No. Right. You can, that's, that's the extreme. Right. But even, even like you can't talk about religion, you couldn't, you know, you gotta be careful about body parts.

Julia: Yeah. You 

Wali: know, so yeah. And even, even sometimes like certain, certain ailments, so to speak, if someone has like, you know, high blood pressure or someone has, you know diabetes, well, we couldn't make jokes about that. So it's, it's a very, very tight, tight and very, very confined area where you can kind of like go and, and, and have fun.

Julia: Right. 

Wali: And I enjoyed that challenge. Because sometimes I like would, you know, skirt the edge a little bit, you know, and try to like throw out a little innuendo, but not to the point where they're like, all right, you're canceled or, 

you know, because 

I'm representing me and, you know, the other comedians and, [00:10:00] you know, the agency, the product, you know, and the production company, the producers too.

Ellie: That's right. You're very good at it. It's hard. Yeah. I imagine lots of boundaries. 

Wali: And Justin Ellie's events. So they give us teleprompter. And sometimes they'll change script or whatever, and change the words or whatever. And I need like, you know, probably a month to read it. But this woman, she said, I love it.

They'll throw something in there, and they'll give like the terminology, you know, like medical, whatever. I'm like, Wally, read this. I'm like, nope. It's 

Ellie: not like that. Yeah, he would just like point, sometimes we would have script that was his lines. Yeah. But if it, if it on the prompter, if it came up and it was like a complicated pharmaceutical term or name of a drug, he would just point at me and I would just say it.

And I think, I think they loved that. I think it worked out just great, which is why we're a good team. Well, NYU and I 

Julia: are a good team because it's, we have the same dynamic here. You are good. You pronounce big words really good. Oh yeah. Yeah. And like, you're really good at pronouncing, like, people's names [00:11:00] who, who might have interesting spellings.

Sure. You just like, right out of your mouth, and I'm like yeah. Right. Yeah. 

Ellie: Right. 

Julia: That's true. Ellie's so great. We love her. 

Ellie: Everyone has a place, you guys. Everyone has their own skills. We're all of value. Everyone's of value. Totally. 

Julia: Wally. Before we get into this what kind of patient are you?

Are you someone who's, like, scared of doctor doctors, or someone who shows up with a list of questions and prepared, or like, like, so what kind of patient? 

Wali: I'm a nervous, I'm a nervous patient. Patient. Mm-Hmm. my pressure goes up. Yeah. Because I don't want to hear, you know, I'm pregnant, you know, something like that.

Julia: Sure. 

Wali: So I would say that would be 

Julia: shocking. Yeah. Yeah. 

Wali: Yes. Yeah. And that's why my pressure will go up. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm a, I'm a nervous and I would tell, you know, when you check your vitals before the doctor comes in, whatever, I would tell them that, listen, I'm very nervous. And cause you know, my, my, they'll do, they'll do my blood pressure.

I'm like, Oh my God. I'm like, no, I'm just really nervous. So I really have to get like really Zen and like, you know, check, you know, check my breathing and like, okay, here we [00:12:00] go, you know, and the crazy thing is that my mother was a nurse practitioner and yeah, and She would she'll get like, really with her kids, she'll get really nervous, make sure everything's fine, whatever.

So I would get, get that anxiety, like, oh, oh my God, you know, I, I, I, I got some kind of disease or whatever. And so I, I think that kinda like in the back of my head is like, oh God, you know, don't, don't be sick, don't be, you know, don't be nothing, be wrong with me, nothing. But then I, I, I panic. 

Julia: So it sounds like it's all about the anticipation of what you're gonna be told.

Yeah. Like you're pregnant. 

Wali: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Got it. 

Ellie: You were wired for this as a child and now it's translated into your interactions with medical practitioners. 

Wali: Right, especially if I'm sitting there. 

Ellie: You know, 

Wali: you know, and that's my mind kind of goes, Oh man, you know, even though this is just a checkup, they might find something else, you know, you know, and then it turns into and I'm like, stop.

Ellie: Yeah. 

Wali: Go to, you know, go to a Zen place, you know, you know, think about what you're gonna do after this. You know, I have to do something to kind of like, I guess, get my mind up, but distract me, I [00:13:00] guess. 

Julia: Recenter. 

Wali: Yeah. Yeah. 

Julia: Something like that. Yeah. So while it is an anxious patient, Ellie, okay, 

Ellie: well, knowing that I can't wait to hear this story, which is titled when I got stoned.

Okay, 

Wali: so it happened twice. The first time was in 2014. It was a Sunday morning and I woke up very queasy and which I thought was really weird. It's very strange. And, ran into the bathroom and I purged, so to speak. And that that was really weird because it wasn't food poisoning. I know it wasn't food poisoning because usually when you have food poisoning, you get it like, You know, like maybe a couple hours, you start purging, I guess, you know, a couple hours.

Julia: Surprise vomit is the absolute worst. 

Wali: Yes. Yes. And so that's when I started panicking, you know, like I, you know, and I'm like, what, what is this? You know, why am I, then I got this pain in my back and like in my, [00:14:00] in my back. And I thought that was really, really strange. But, you know, and it was just, oh my goodness.

It felt like the best way I can describe it is someone taking like a clamp and just squeezing and squeezing and squeezing and squeezing. And just when you feel it's going to like lighten up just a little bit so you can breathe. It squeezes harder just to squeeze and squeeze and I'm like, Oh my God, what is going on?

So luckily we have a, a guest bedroom. So I went to the guest bedroom on the other side of the apartment to kind of like deal with this. I'm banging the wall like, Oh my God, what is going on? So I'm banging the wall. 

Julia: It's serious. You're banging things. 

Wali: Yes. Yes. Yes. So I, I pass out cause I remember I 

Julia: literally pass out.

Wali: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I, cause I didn't know. Where I was when I kind like came to, so to speak, I'm like, wait, 

Ellie: wait, wait. Had you ever fainted before in your life? Or was this the first time? 

Wali: I , No before, but lemme say Becausecause 

Ellie: people are either painters or they're not. Yeah. I've never fainted [00:15:00] so 

Wali: well.

I never, I never, okay. I never like involuntarily fainted. But I remember when I was a kid, I remember what the feelings like, because I don't know if you guys ever did this when you're kids. What, what? Like, you play this game where you exhale and someone squeezes you. Yes, you lose all the blood that goes and you pass out.

Wally, 

Julia: there's something wrong with you and I. I think we're like the only two people. Ellie's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I didn't know we were going to do that. Where you would make each other pass out probably wasn't very safe, but. 

Wali: No, it wasn't. We did 

Julia: it, didn't we? Yes. 

Wali: And so that's, that's when I, when I was like, Oh my God, because I remember that feeling because I, I remember waking up when I was a kid, like, Oh my God, that was scary.

And so right into like, where am I kind of thing. And that's what happened. I was in the guest room and I kind of like, where am I? I'm like, Oh man, I passed out. So I remember I couldn't inhale because if I inhale, it was like, it would get tighter. You know what I mean? So I remember I can only like whisper.

And I'm calling my wife, you know, like, which is like

Ellie: a nightmare, like when you dream that you want to scream and no sound comes out, [00:16:00] so you're living a nightmare in this 

Wali: moment. Yes. But it's confusing. It's just like, why am I in this pain? You know, why did I, you know, why did I vomit? You know, like I'd never been in this place. So I'm trying to, I remember waking up like, what is that noise?

I'm like, I'm at the door like.

Okay. And she's like, what's going on? I said, I got this pain, this pain. And yeah, the pain. So so what we do, we she calls she has this service, like nursing service, whatever. And so they tell you, they ask, it's almost like a triage kind of thing, but like, you know, on the phone. And so I'm telling my symptoms, whatever.

And it says, well, you need to go to hospital. So we called nine one, one and call for an ambulance because I couldn't even walk. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. 

Wali: And I'm just laying in a bed and it's like, Oh my God, this pain, I'm sweating now. Yeah. And like, you know, and I'm getting like lightheaded because it's just like, I can't believe this, how painful this is.

And so the ambulance comes and They want to put me [00:17:00] in, oh, by the way, any position I'm standing, laying down, sitting is not comfortable. I can't, you know, it's just nothing's comfortable. So they asked me, can I walk? And I'm like, yeah, I guess I can walk. And so it took forever to get to the elevator and took forever to thank God you 

Julia: had an elevator.

Wali: Yeah. And you're not 

Julia: like in a walk up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. 

Wali: Yeah. And it took forever to get to that lobby, you know, and got the door and then they had to put me on a gurney to get into, you know, into the ambulance. And they put oxygen, oxygen on me. And I remember it's just, I just, the pain was just, I couldn't believe how painful this thing is.

And so I get to the hospital and it was Sunday morning. And so it wasn't as crazy, you know, usually like on the weekends. So I think 10 things kind of died down, whatever from the craziness. So I remember talking to a nurse and I'm describing the pain and I'm sweating, you know, and she says, You have a kidney stone and I'm like, wait, how do you know [00:18:00] that?

She goes, I've seen kidney stones. She goes, and she says, I'm not the doctor. I can't say that, but you have a kidney stone. And I'm like, oh my God. And I said, I never knew it. She goes, you had these, the most painful experience anyone would have. And she's saying she had, she had children and she had a kidney stone.

And she said, a kidney stone is worse than giving birth. 

Julia: I was gonna say, I have heard that it's akin to giving birth, is what I've heard. 

Wali: Hey, I, I, I haven't given birth, but but I kind of did. Well, let me, I'm like getting ahead of myself. . Okay. Yeah, 

Julia: yeah. 

Wali: So, yeah. So the, this pain was, oh my God, so much, so much.

So, I, I'm I'm on, I'm, I'm laying in the gurney, in the, on my knees and, and like, like, you know, like, like this. 

Julia: Like in child's pose. 

Wali: Yeah, but it's almost like a fetal position, but on my knees and elbows. Like, yeah, okay. Just trying to figure out what position I can be in to 

Ellie: be the least pain, 

Wali: least painful.

So you know, I, I passed out [00:19:00] twice in the, in the hospital. 

Julia: Oh my God. 

Wali: And and to be honest with you passing out, it was like, thank God I felt myself passing out. I'm like, okay, good. I'll leave. I was looking forward for me to pass out, you know what I mean? It was just so painful. So 

Ellie: and they don't like give you a shot of lidocaine or anything like that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting ahead of you. Okay. Yeah. 

Wali: So the nurse says you need, you're going to need morphine. Right. And I never had morphine before and I'm like, fine, whatever it is. It's going to stop everything, you know? And she goes, yeah, but it has to be, you know, the doctor has recommended. There's a whole lot of paperwork.

Yeah. Yeah. So so, so they're they did a thing that they put it in the IV, they put it in the, in the bag, whatever, you know, probably I would say like 10, maybe 15 minutes. The pain is gone. 

Julia: Yeah. Yeah. 

Wali: Morphine, ladies and gentlemen, it's amazing. 

Julia: Yeah. Yeah. Now 

Wali: that pain is [00:20:00] gone. I'm, I'm, I'm on like a higher level of consciousness.

So I, I walked through the emergency room asking people, you know, what's your, what's your ailment? And I figured that I could, you know, I could heal them through the book. Sure. 

Ellie: Obviously. You were now Jesus. 

Wali: Yes, I was. I was like, you know, and you, my child, what, what is, what is your ailment? Huh. Let me try the, and you, and you, yes, let me see.

Ellie: Loaves and fishes are appearing. I don't know. I'm Jewish. Washing people's feet. I'm assuming. 

Wali: Yes, exactly. And then, the guy next to me, in the bed next to me, he's like, nurse, can I have what he's having? I want that!

Speaker 3: Oh my god. 

Wali: So now I can talk, I'm conscious, whatever, and so they have to do the x rays and they have to do the CAT scan to find out, you know, how big it is and all that stuff, you know? And so they do the CAT scan and the doc, who's a really cool dude, He shows me, he sends it to me on my phone actually.

And, and so one kidney is swollen. The other one's like, you [00:21:00] know, like a regular size. And then he says, look right there. And right at, so there's like, you can see this. So this is my kidney and there's like the tube that comes out of the kidney. So right there with the, with the the, the bottom of the kidney, what joins the tube is like, like a plug.

That's what the stone was. The kidney stone blocking. anything to go through. And so the kidney doesn't know any better. But so what it does, it contracts to push any of that fluid or urine through. So now that's I'm getting the contraction of like get to try and so every time I contract, I'm like, Oh, my God.

So they look at a look at it. And they said, Listen we're gonna give you this thing called flow maze where it dilates the tubage and tubage. Yeah, I didn't mean to get too technical medical, you know, medical terms, but, you know, two bitches. 

Julia: Perfect. Yeah. 

Wali: Yes. Okay. So I'm like, okay, fine. So I'm still on the morphine.

I'm having great conversation. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm like, yo, just morphine. You know, I can, [00:22:00] you know, I can. I'm golden. Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? I can pay bills. So 

Julia: pay bills. The best time to pay bills is when you're on morphine. 

Wali: Yeah, exactly. And, 

Julia: and call people. 

Wali: Right. Right. Anybody. Because it doesn't hurt as much, you know.

So now So we, yeah, so my wife and I, we leave, you know, we go to the diner, we have some breakfast, you know, I'm like, wow, what a time that was, I'm like joking with her and all that stuff, right? So we get home. Oh, I'm sorry. So then he tells me that it's definitely small enough that I can pass it. They want it.

You want to do it naturally. Yeah. They don't. No surgery. Right. Exactly. Or there's like a a sonar thing where they break it up. 

Ellie: Yes. To little pieces. 

Wali: Little pieces. And you have to pass those little pieces through. 

Ellie: And you never know, like, when they're all done, coming out, because it's so many pieces. Yes.

This sounds like a 

Julia: lot of fun. 

Ellie: It's 

Wali: a party. A 

Ellie: best time. Better 

Wali: than Disneyland. Totally. And so, so now I get home. [00:23:00] And the morphing starting to wear off. Yes. So that night I swear, cause I'm trying to, you know, pass it, whatever I'm doing, I have to do breathing exercises. Like when you have contractions, when one has a contractions.

So I'm pacing the hallway, just.

And every time I have to go to the bathroom, I had, there's a bowl on the bowl and they we had to put a, like a t shirt, a white t shirt. And so I had to like, you know, pee, you know, in the white t shirt. And so if I can catch the stone. Cause my doctor wanted a biopsy, whatever, whatever. Right. So here I am, you know, holding stuff and looking down and just seeing this go through, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So the next day it didn't go through. And so I'm feeling weird, you know, it's not as painful, but I'm still feeling pain. So I go to the local city, city MD and So I said to him, I doesn't feel as bad. I said to the doctor who's been, who's been a doctor for zillions [00:24:00] of years. And it was a really cool guy.

And I told him in a kidney stone, I think I passed it. And he looked at me and said, Oh, you'll know when you pass it. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, he goes, you'll know. Right. And he goes, go home. He goes, drink a lot of lemon water, just drink tons and tons of lemon, basically a tsunami. So it just kind of like flushes it through.

And I'm like, all right, so I'm just drinking, just drinking lemon water, just drinking, drinking, drinking, drinking. And I'm, you know, going to the bathroom, like, every, like, every 15 minutes, basically. Yeah, 

Julia: yeah. With, with the t shirt, waiting to catch this, the whole process. Yes. The whole messy process. Yeah.

Wali: Yeah. It's, it's just so weird. And so now, that night, you know, I'm going, I'm like, having this pain, and they tell me to take Tylenol, and Percocet makes me queasy, and body, I can't have any of that stuff. 

Julia: Oh, that's too bad. 

Wali: Yeah. And so now, so now I'm just breathing. I'm, you know, I'm reliving it now because I'm starting to sweat and I'm like pacing the floor and every once in a while, like, you [00:25:00] know, it will get tighter, you know, and I can't, I couldn't inhale.

I like whisper, you know, So the next morning I remember it was like 10, 15, 10, 16. Let me tell you something ladies, passing a kidney stone is like giving birth to a shard of glass. 

Ellie: Oh Jesus. 

Wali: You feel that thing going through your system, it go, it goes from your kidney. And I felt that thing going through.

I felt it. Go down 

Ellie: your urethra. You feel it in your urethra, right? 

Wali: That's, that's the word I'm looking for. You feel, you feel the 

Ellie: tube edge. You feel it in the tage. 

Wali: In the tage, right? And it, and it, and it's like it, and it has like a, like a switch blade and it was just going through like it's 

Ellie: scraping on the way down.

Right? Oh my god. Wally, 

Wali: right? 

Ellie: Oh my 

Wali: god. All the way. And then I feel it like, and then I feel this like a pain in my bladder, you know, like just under my belly button. And I'm like, Oh man, Oh man. [00:26:00] And so then, like I said, we're on 16. I got the bowl. And let me tell you something. It felt like this, like someone slashed me inside my, my, my two bitch.

The pain was so bad, I got on my tippy toes thinking that I'll get over the pain, I could step, like, elevate, like, I got higher elevation, high You could, like, leave your body. I could just float, if 

Julia: I could just float above the toilet bowl. 

Wali: Yes, and I went, like that, and I looked down, and I saw, like, a little piece of granola on the on the the t shirt.

And I said, I think that's it. And I'm looking, I'm thinking to myself, I think that's it, like. Dude, you've been peeing in a bowl for the last two days. That's it. That's it, right? 

Julia: This tiny little thing. 

Wali: Yeah. It's a tiny little thing and it looks like I said it looks like a piece of granola. And I remember calling my, my wife, I'm like, yo, yo.

She's like, what? And I'm like, I got it. It came out. She's like, no, dude. I'm like, yes it did. She didn't believe it. 

Ellie: Did you, did you take a picture and send it to her? Yeah, [00:27:00] 

Wali: I brought her in. I said, look at this . 

Ellie: Wouldn't 

Julia: it be great if like. If it turned into a diamond or something, like if you just, you passed a little pearl or a diamond and you're like, I've been through this excruciating process, but at least I've got this beautiful jewel.

Wali: You know, that's funny. I'm going to use that in my act. Thank you. 

Julia: You're welcome. 

Wali: For free. It's 

Julia: all yours. 

Wali: Yeah. And then you have something to look forward to, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or you could like 

Julia: sell it, like if it were valuable. 

Wali: Exactly. 

Julia: And you're like, I just made 100, 000. 

Wali: Exactly. Out of my 

Ellie: two bitch.

Out 

Julia: of my two bitch. 

Wali: Out of my two bitch. So then the, about three weeks ago it happened again. 

Julia: Oh my god. 

Wali: And I remember all of that. It was a Friday night. Going to an emergency on Friday is the worst because, You know, craziness, whatever, and everything's a priority, because my situation isn't life threatening.

Speaker 3: It's 

Wali: very, very painful, but [00:28:00] it's not life threatening. So, I'm trying to get morphine, and, but, I'm not sweating, I'm not passing out, right? 

Ellie: You haven't been shot. 

Wali: Right. Yeah. Oh, so they said they give me Tylenol, right? And I'm like, Tylenol? I, I took that Tylenol, my kidneys were like, Oh, ha, ha, ha. They're like, this is a joke, right?

Yeah, they, they took it like candy, like nom, nom, nom, nom. But but yeah, and so here I am in this pain, but I kept getting, getting pushed back because and a gunshot, someone came in with a gunshot, so they had to take care of that. And then two people came in who got stabbed. So I had to 

Julia: Where do you live again?

It's a perfect Friday night. 

Wali: I live in Harlem. It's New York City, it's all, 

Julia: doesn't 

Ellie: matter where you are in New York City, it's all a shit show. Yeah. 

Wali: And so then I'm thinking, all right, so, you know, the the stabbing, the, you know, the, the, the, the shooting. The gunshot 

Julia: wound. 

Wali: Right. Okay. I'm next, right? So I'm kind of like gearing up to be next and they're like heart [00:29:00] attack.

And so I had to sit back down and wait. So I'm getting, I'm getting really frustrated and I'm feeling the pain, whatever. And I'm talking to them and I'm like, I know I It's a kidney stone. And it's the same pain. They're like, Okay, I've been through this. And here's the crazy thing, waiting and waiting and waiting.

I'm like, you know what, let me go to the bathroom just to see and went through. 

Julia: So lucky 

Wali: worse. But that's the worst part, though, because it's like, it's like a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yeah, you know, because you get that slice. And then I, you know, and luckily I, I felt it. I got a jar. I mean, a plastic cup.

And I did my business in there and boom, it is, it was where I'm like I'm out. 

Ellie: I'm 

Wali: out. I got it. Yeah. But, 

Ellie: was it granola again or did it look like, 

Wali: okay, weird, 

Ellie: not a diamond or a pearl. 

Wali: No, it wasn't, it wasn't a diamond or a pearl or a sapphire. But this time though, which I thought was really strange [00:30:00] was that my kidneys were sore for like the next two days.

Interesting. 

Julia: Yeah. 

Wali: And I'm wondering, you know, was there another one in there? And it kind of, it wasn't as big and it went through, but, but as soon as I, I passed it, probably like in a, I don't want to say like a half hour later, I definitely felt relief. But like I said, I felt the like I can feel my, on both sides, I can feel my kidneys 

Julia: contracting.

Wali: Contracting. So, but but yeah this, okay, so, So were 

Julia: you, were you just like peace and like left? 

Wali: Pretty much. 

Julia: Yeah. 

Wali: Pretty much. I said, where do I sign? And I had, 

Julia: Oh my God. Do you have it? Yeah. Do you have it? Do 

Ellie: you have it? You, listeners, ew. Wally is holding up a Ziploc bag with one of those urine collection containers that's full of a dark colored fluid and a fucking granola in there somewhere.

I can't believe you gave us a visual, but I love that. I love it. I was hoping 

Julia: I was actually [00:31:00] secretly hoping for 

Ellie: this. The key question here, Wally, is have you named it? Because if you gave birth to it, you should name it. Rocky. Perfect. Well done. Well, welcome Rocky to this earth. And I hope that you are the last of Wally's children.

Oh, please be. Well, here's 

Wali: the 

Ellie: problem. 

Wali: Oh no. Kidney stone. 

Ellie: That's right. You're prone. You know, we've learned a lot today. We've learned about the benefits of morphine. Yes. I would, I would never have. And Ellie, 

Julia: you learned about people passing 

Ellie: each other out as teenagers. I mean, I hope my child doesn't learn this because that just sounds stupid as fuck.

And dangerous. It can, of course. I mean, it's, I guess it prepared you for passing out, but it's odd. And also, you know, I really, if I was going to picture a kidney stone and describe what I thought it would look like, granola isn't the first word that would have come to mind. So now I feel like I have a new Mental bank of images.

[00:32:00] Yeah. Yeah. I kind of want to poll people and say, Did your kidney stone look like granola? Like, is there a range? 

Wali: That's a good question to ask. Yeah. Yeah, there's 

Ellie: got to be a spectrum. A granola spectrum. Right. Mine looked like a seed. Mine looked like a piece of quartz. Mine was granola. Why was yours granola?

I don't know. These are questions we're not going to answer today. But I don't think we need to. So I'm so glad you shared that with us. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I really hope it doesn't happen again, but you know, wouldn't it be amazing if next time we could just Instagram live through the entire process?

Wali: That'd be 

Julia: great. Post morphine. Post morphine. That's what I want. That's 

Ellie: the vibe I want. Yeah, maybe it doesn't have to be with us, but next time, I don't want it to happen again, but if you do get morphine again, I really think you should document it for your own socials. I mean, people should see you in that state.

I think that's gorgeous. 

Wali: Oh man, it's, but you know, it's, like I said, it's not fun. You start to, you know, [00:33:00] rethink your life choices. 

Ellie: Sure. 

Wali: What's important, you know, 

Ellie: you got your bills paid. 

Wali: Yeah, you pay, you pay, yeah, they got my bills. You pay all your 

Ellie: bills? 

Wali: Yeah. You try to, when you're, well, me, when I'm that, that kind of pain my comedy level kind of drops where I'm not as funny, but I feel I'll be funny if necessary or when necessary.

Because what else do 

Julia: you have? 

Wali: What'd you say? 

Julia: Because what else do you have? 

Wali: What else do I have? Exactly. If I don't have my jokes, I have nothing. 

Ellie: My husband is not a comedian, but he does like to drop a joke with a medical professional. And when he got his colonoscopy, when he woke up and came out of his anesthesia, the nurse said, how are you getting home?

And he did not miss a beat and said, bike. And she looked at him like, Are you? I mean, I was there. I was sitting in the lobby. We were going to take a taxi home, but he just was like, bike. [00:34:00] And she was like, Oh, and he's like, no, no, no, no. I'm just kidding. So you know, fucking with the medical professionals is one of the few joys we have when we're in pain and a vulnerable situation 

Wali: for sure.

But I'm sure they, they seen it all, you know, with these. Oh 

Ellie: yeah. With the gunshots and the stabbings and the heart. Oh my God. Yes. Wally, I love you and I missed you and I'm so glad you bared your kidneys for us today. Listeners, if you want to find out what Wally is up to and where you can see him live or perhaps pictures of his son, Rocky, in a jar, you can search his name, Wally Collins, spelled W A L I Collins at Instagram, Facebook, and X, formerly known as Twitter.

We will post all of this in the show notes so you can find him easily. Wally, what a delight! so much! Before we wrap 

Julia: up Well, is there anything you would like to promote for yourself before we wrap up? 

Wali: Well, yeah, I'm working in New York City. Yeah. Let me out either the Comedy Cellar, [00:35:00] Comic Strip, Gotham Comedy Club, but yeah, just come to my Yeah.

Speaker 3: And my 

Wali: book. Oh, please. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Please check out my book. It's called you never know. Book of encouragements. It's all about helping people if they're struggling, whatever that book is your buddy. Yep. That book is going to encourage you and help you and say motivate you to to get through any kind of obstacle that appears before you.

Ellie: I love it. We're going to post it. We're going to post a link to that in the show notes as well. Wally, thank you so much. I love seeing your face. 

Wali: This was so much fun. I'm sad that we have to go, but thank you so much for having me. 

Speaker: Yep. Thank you.