Can it Wait Until You've Finished the Swab? (with Kit Green)

Have you ever been recognized during an extremely vulnerable medical exam? Kit Green has! A multi-award-winning artist from the UK, Kit's work sprawls across theatre, music, broadcast and academia, and her own brand of 'experiential entertainment".   She opens up about the benefits of being the only trans patient at a medical practice that mostly serves elderly Greek women, and she and Ellie bond over bizarre old British song parodies about Hitler only having one testicle. This spontaneous sing-off made Julia's day, and we're pretty sure it will also make YOURS.

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Transcript

Julia [00:00:06] Welcome to open up and say HA, stories from underneath the paper gown - stories from underneath the paper gown! welcome. 

Ellie [00:00:16] Hey. Welcome. Hey. 

Julia [00:00:18] Hey, hey, hey, got any good stories this week? 

Ellie [00:00:23] Yeah. Yeah. Back in our day, which was the 1980s, let's call. 

Julia [00:00:28] It the 1900s and the 1900s. 

Ellie [00:00:31] Sure. In the 1900s. But in our childhood, which was the 1980s. If you needed orthodontic work, they might first pull some teeth. Nowadays, they have looked to me that it's bad to pull teeth because it can cause all kinds of breathing issues later on. I'm not going to explain why. 

Julia [00:00:50] I had so many teeth pulled. 

Ellie [00:00:52] I know you've told me it's insane. And so did my husband. And so to my cut. Like I didn't have this because my parents, they were like, your teeth. 

Julia [00:00:58] Good genetics. 

Ellie [00:01:00] You know, they're they're crooked, but like, they're like, they're good enough. My brother had the mess of a mouth, so he got all the things. And I can't remember if he had teeth pulled now that you mentioned. But, my son is now of age to be taken to an orthodontist, and they said we'd like to give him. He's got some crowding. We'd like to give him a palate expander. And I was like, what is this, Julia? This is an insane medieval contraption where they basically put metal around some teeth, and then the metal connects to a thing on the roof of the mouth, and it's got a little hole in it. And what you have to do as a parent, they give you a thing that looks like it was made by MacGyver. It looks like the stem, a plastic knife with, broken off curved bit of a paperclip stuck on the end of it. Okay. Your child lays down with their mouth wide open, upside down. You stick this knife with a paperclip in this tiny hole at the top of the palate expander, and you rotate it, like, the tiniest little bit until it clicks into place. And what it's doing is slowly but surely. Expanding literally his palate, stretching his policy wider and wider and wider each night to then make because room that his age it used together. Yet so it stretches it out to make room, and it's the most insane fucking shit I've ever had to do as a parent. And my my poor husband. It's really hard to fit the little thing in the hole and get it just right. Like, I also like. 

Julia [00:02:41] Your son's tiny mouth. You know. 

Ellie [00:02:43] He's the guy they entrust parents, and my son's cool. Like he can deal with shit. Yeah, but, the other recently, when we were doing it, my poor Joshua husband, my poor Joshua husband, he, like, didn't get it quite right, and he, like, panicked. And his hand release, and he dropped the thing down my son's throat, like it, like went down and like it was. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm taking the equivalent of, like, when the mom steps in and lifts the car off of her kid. Yeah, I, I think no seconds passed, nanoseconds passed before I, like, stuck my hand down his throat and pulled it out. So it really wasn't like fully down his. But it was like he dropped it or I grabbed it out and he was like that. 

Speaker 3 [00:03:25] Well, already. 

Ellie [00:03:25] Having to deal with it. And why did you do this to me? And this is terrible. Oh, I should also say this was he was when this happened, my kid had Covid, so he had just like a day or two before, like thrown up, had a sore. Nobody was still like you couldn't do. 

Julia [00:03:41] You got to. 

Ellie [00:03:41] Keep and. 

Julia [00:03:42] You got to can't potty pallet, can't pause the pallet because. 

Ellie [00:03:45] Oh my God, the things we have to do to our bodies, to other people's bodies, it's madness. So a palate expander. So we're like cranking his head open. Bit by bit. Night by. 

Julia [00:03:58] That's fun. 

Ellie [00:03:59] Isn't it? Yeah. To kind of want to show you the tool, but I don't know where it is right now. And also some people are just listening and I'll post. 

Julia [00:04:07] It on socials. 

Ellie [00:04:08] Oh yeah yeah oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. 

Julia [00:04:11] We can do that. Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. 

Ellie [00:04:14] Right. 

Julia [00:04:15] Mine's not as exciting as yours. That was truly fascinating. 

Ellie [00:04:18] Doesn't have to be a contest. 

Julia [00:04:20] Isn't it, though? 

Ellie [00:04:22] Yeah. I want. 

Julia [00:04:23] You one. 

Ellie [00:04:24] Day. You haven't told yours yet. What is it? 

Julia [00:04:25] Okay, so the other day. So I teach Pilates on Sundays in Jersey city, and I typically drive there from where I live, because parking on Sundays is, like very easy. And I can usually find this space like right in front of the studio, which is like a miracle and wonderful. But this only happens at like, you know, 8 a.m. on a Sunday. So I always seem to get early to the studio because, you know, people come early and I just like, I need a minute to prepare and just kind of gather my thoughts and, you know, chill for a second. And then people usually start coming in and I, you know, whatever. So, typical morning. I'm like, getting on my, you know, way to go out there and not realizing that there is a neighborhood event, that I was unaware of and tons of streets were blocked off. I'm talking like every street that I needed to go down was blocked off. Keeping in mind, I don't really know Jersey city. I don't live there. So I have a vague like idea of the layout of where things are, but I don't. I don't walk it, you know, I don't go there enough to spend time there to where I actually know where things are. So Google is no help because Google is not acknowledging street closures in the moment. It keeps sending me in the circle, and I can't get down the streets and I can't, you know. Class starts at nine, it is now 20 to 9. And I'm like, all right, I just need to find parking. 

Ellie [00:05:45] And then run. 

Julia [00:05:46] And get to the studio. Because if I don't, I'm just going to be late and I can't have people like standing outside or I just the nightmares. I'm just like, oh my God, like what's happening? Also, in that moment I had I thought I had a full class, which for me is six people. So I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. So by the time I park the car, I turn on my Google Maps. I, you know, just to see like what the walking time is. It's 15 minutes, it is 8:45. And I'm like, that is not going to work, Ellie. I start to sprint, I ran. Almost a mile. 

Ellie [00:06:17] Wow. 

Julia [00:06:18] Mile. Okay. I got there at like. Seven minutes till nine or something. Maybe ten till nine. I mean, pretty, pretty good. I made that time. Very impressive. And at that point, a bunch of people had canceled, so it was so funny. I only had like three people in the class because people were all realizing the issue and were like, I'm not coming to this class, I can't park, I can't get there, whatever. And got everybody in. But for people who don't know me or don't know what's gone on with me, in this past year, I had ACL reconstruction surgery. So that's the recording of this. Right now. We are in April. So about a year ago, almost to the week, I had ACL reconstruction surgery. So the fact that I was able to run nearly a mile without any hesitation or any trouble or any problem was a real feat for me. And it was very satisfying because I wasn't. My knee was like a sore, a little sore later, but like, I didn't, have like a typical kind of muscle soreness or whatever. And I was like, I guess I'm in pretty good shape and that's like pretty exciting. But it sucked. 

Ellie [00:07:24] I bad. 

Julia [00:07:25] Sucked. Were you like, yeah, I was like, I mean, not so bad. Which again, was also impressive. 

Ellie [00:07:31] Yeah. You're in shape completely. 

Julia [00:07:33] Like out of breath. But like by the time I got there, I was just like hot, like two people were staying. I said, I was like, I'm here. 

Speaker 3 [00:07:38] I'm here. I. 

Ellie [00:07:42] And like, no matter how in-shape you are, running is its own thing. It's its. 

Julia [00:07:46] Own thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Ellie [00:07:49] That's impressive. 

Julia [00:07:50] Thank you. I was impressed with myself, but. 

Ellie [00:07:52] Did you hurt, like, the next day? 

Julia [00:07:54] No, no, I mean, I have soreness in my in my shins like a and honestly, I think if I had been able, if I had had the time to stretch before I sprinted, I'm sure I would have been fine. So yeah, a lot of I'm very impressed with myself and, and and, you're welcome. That it was all about me and my, my being impressed with myself. 

Ellie [00:08:16] Well, I'm impressed with yourself. 

Julia [00:08:18] Who do we have on the show? 

Ellie [00:08:20] Oh, oh, today we have Kit green, who is just like a legendary UK performer who, I met when they were Christopher Green and they are transitioning to Kit green and really coming into their own, like, you know, you'll hear like, as a, a performer who's gotten a little bit older and didn't expect to have success at this point. It's just like a great message for anyone that anything can happen at any time. And you should never give up and like, be who you are and really super inspiring. And they're so fun and I just can't wait for you to meet her. 

Julia [00:08:58] Yeah. I'm excited. 

Ellie [00:08:59] Yeah, let's do it. 

Julia [00:09:00] Let's do it. Kit Green is a multi-award winning artist from the UK. Her work sprawls across theater, music, broadcast and academia and her own brand of experimental entertainment. 

Ellie [00:09:14] Experience experiential. 

Julia [00:09:16] Experiential. We just had a whole conversation about not being able to see listeners. Here we are. Hit wrote us this brief bio and included the sentence Kit has nice hair, I agree. Beautiful hair. And I yeah, yeah. Welcome to the show. 

Kit Green [00:09:33] Thank you. That's really great. Thank you. It's nice. It's nice to be here. And you're opening a mouth to say something. Do it. Say, speak to me. 

Ellie [00:09:41] Well, I have a question for you. And the question is, when it comes to interactions with medical professionals, what sort of a patient are you? Are you someone who shows up with a list? Are you nervous? Are you to tell us how do you handle that? 

Kit Green [00:09:57] Oh, that's such a good question. I'm. I think I'm proactive. I think I can date. I think I'm, collaborative. All of which people listening will be like, you're a pain. 

Ellie [00:10:16] She's an asshole, aka I'm a pain. So when when you walk into the room, have you googled extensively and present? Are you presenting medical terms to the physician? And. 

Kit Green [00:10:29] Well, maybe not that I think I respect, knowledge. You know, like, I am too lazy to have done that many years of medical school, so I totally respect that. But at the same time, no, I think it's probably more in terms of navigating the system, which in the UK is like is complicated and unbelievably brilliant, and I won't hear a word against it, you know what I mean? Like, it's so messy. Yeah, but it's really complicated. And you sort of have to be very proactive and sort of let go. Right. So did you get these? Did you get my notes? Okay. Let me find them. And, and then like charm people and sort of like go I sent them on the 19th, so don't worry. I'll just go through the filing cabinet myself. You just sit there. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm very kind of engaging. 

Ellie [00:11:17] You know, people pleasers, what you are. 

Kit Green [00:11:19] Well, I'm a system manipulator. By being. 

Ellie [00:11:23] I hear that, yes, I can completely say that. 

Kit Green [00:11:25] And. Yeah. So. And I like doing that to the extent that when I. So I started, transitioning only like three years ago through the National Health Service in the UK and my GP, my, my personal doctor basically said, why don't you just write the referral and I'll copy and paste, which made me so smart. He just knew that, like, this was just going to be quick roll round. Yeah. And, I'm not. So I'm a writer. You're not mean. So I was like, I do that. And then she just cut and paste it and then signed. It sounds great. Love doctor. Blah blah. 

Ellie [00:11:59] Well manipulated. But now we. 

Julia [00:12:02] She knew what she was doing. Yes. 

Kit Green [00:12:05] Yeah. Thanks. 

Ellie [00:12:06] We've heard from some friends in the US who have transitioned or are non-binary, that some medical professionals are confused or frustrated about how to address them or how to handle it. Do you would you agree, or do you find that in the UK it's more progressive and generally everyone's cool? 

Kit Green [00:12:25] It's no, definitely not that. It's really, really complicated to fully change, change gender and in the system because the system is, is kind of clunky like like all kind of and made systems and so, so I haven't so I haven't done that. Which leads to sort of confusion. And yeah, I mean, it's like everything, you know, you have to just like, elegantly guide people through it if you can. And sometimes it's just out and out embarrassment. Which but that's, you know, that's medical interaction, isn't it? I think it's just about being clear. My, GP, my, you know, my local doctor. I'm really, really lucky because I live in north London and my GP is 98% Greek. Because it's a very Greek area. I'm not Greek, okay? And it's mainly little Greek ladies. I say little because they are. And this is like, like literally Greek widows wearing black. I think I'm the only trans patient who doesn't, isn't a little oh great lady. And so I literally go Heights kit and they go, okay, putting you through like thick. So my, my note to anyone is find a demographic where you don't fit in. And then and then you know, you know because you're going to stick out anyway. So you might as well be the only one that sticks out. So there we go. That's my way of navigating through rate advice. 

Julia [00:13:58] Yeah. That way you get what you need when you call. They put you through. 

Kit Green [00:14:02] Yeah, exactly. And just, basically my advice is just always be special. 

Ellie [00:14:07] That's good advice across all things. Always. 

Julia [00:14:10] Always busy. Okay, so, Kit, let's get to your story. I thought I recognized you. That's the title everybody. 

Kit Green [00:14:21] Yeah. So of course, I presume most people go for something to do with embarrassment. But which is, you know, fun. But, the first thing when I heard about this was like, you know, there are many things I could say, but, I it was. So it's a sexual health screening and, so, you know, since even even now, this kind of, you know, obviously, I have to have certain kind of sexual health screening which are appropriate to my genitalia. Let's just say it that way. So this nurse, this male nurse was, sort of doing a swab. Let's just put it that way. But whilst he was preparing to to to do this again was kind of being very respectful. Was sort of like kind of half doing jokes and I'm like, I don't really know what these jokes are about, but they were sort of slightly, and in particular, you might know where this is going, but slightly into country music orientated. And and it was only, it was only when literally having to do as sort of a very, very, very intimate swab which involved him being. And I was standing up, which I've never had before with this particular procedure. But anyway, I was standing up and was invited to him because I'm quite tall, but anyway, probably wouldn't. He was on his knees and then and then he sort of like, looked at me from this angle. And then when I'm 100% sure and then basically said your tenancy on you and I went. Like make this end because it's really embarrassing. And then he went home. I thought I recognized you. 

Ellie [00:16:06] Oh my goodness, it. 

Kit Green [00:16:08] Was so embarrassing because I don't so I used to perform this this character who's an American country music singer who did, songs like, I'm Just Roadkill on the freeway, If You love or No Texas, It's My life, those kind of things. Inappropriate song under the circumstances. And I didn't used to get recognized very much for that character, because I don't really look like like that character who is like, you know, very over-the-top, very glossy, very, you know. 

Ellie [00:16:35] Cowboy hat, fringe, fringe makeup. 

Kit Green [00:16:39] Just think, cowboy Carter, you know, before at, before Beyoncé went down there. 

Ellie [00:16:45] Yeah. That's who doesn't. 

Kit Green [00:16:47] So. Yes. So it's like that. So I didn't used to get recognized as that character. Very much so. That was like the worst possible moment to be recognized for that character. 

Ellie [00:16:57] Someone's on their knees swabbing your bits and looking up at you and calling out. 

Kit Green [00:17:04] It was that that made it worse to me. 

Ellie [00:17:05] So the positioning, sure. 

Kit Green [00:17:07] I mean, this stuff. 

Ellie [00:17:09] It's very filmic. It's a scene from something. It's like some. 

Julia [00:17:13] Sort of 100%. 

Ellie [00:17:14] Some sort of like Amy Schumer moment. You know what I'm seeing? 

Julia [00:17:19] Is it weird, though, that I'm impressed that this person recognized you while also being completely mortified? 

Kit Green [00:17:27] Yes. No, it's really good. I was, you know, I wasn't displeased with with the being recognized. 

Ellie [00:17:34] It was it can be both. 

Kit Green [00:17:36] It was literally just the timing. Yeah. I mean, and and of course, you know, I'm sure this comes up all the time, and it's kind of magical, you know, these magical discussions. It's like, couldn't you just have waited four minutes? Yeah. 

Julia [00:17:48] Four minutes. 

Ellie [00:17:49] Yeah. Minutes. 

Kit Green [00:17:50] And then I would have been delighted because we. 

Ellie [00:17:53] Changed physical positions. Let me put everything back in my trousers or skirts or whatever you're wearing. 

Kit Green [00:17:59] Just let's just freshen up. Let's all just, like, pretend that never happened. Oh, by the way. 

Ellie [00:18:06] Right. 

Kit Green [00:18:07] Which I give away if I. Whatever. 

Ellie [00:18:12] Sort of similar. Sort of similarly, but not quite. I was at the gyno once and full on feet up in the stirrups. I think the finger might have been inside me when in, you know, as a woman at the gynecologist, at least the way I operate is I do my best to make as much casual conversation as possible while it's all happening, just to make it like everything. 

Julia [00:18:35] Funny. I said, I'm just like, are you? Yeah. I'm like. I'm here. 

Ellie [00:18:41] Oh. I'm like, what are we watching? 

Julia [00:18:43] I'm not here to make you comfortable. You make me comfortable. 

Kit Green [00:18:46] It makes me love that I'm here. That's the least you could do and make. 

Ellie [00:18:51] It makes you comfortable. 

Kit Green [00:18:53] Yes. 

Ellie [00:18:54] It makes me comfortable to have conversations and make. Right. So anyway, this woman's like, you know, fingers are inside me when we basically learn that she that her, her nephew and my son are friends. And like, I know her whole family and it's fine. Like, it's fine, but it's just weird. It's it's just. You'd almost you'd you'd rather that provider be just a complete stranger. And then when you come to realize, oh, here's oh, you're so-and-so's sister. Okay. Oh. And your kid is. Got it. Yeah. My. Okay. 

Julia [00:19:25] Like again wait until they, you know, they take you know when they're like okay, sit back. They take the gloves off and they kind of scooch their stool back and then they're like, oh, by the way, I recognized your vagina from school. You're a friend of yours. 

Ellie [00:19:36] You know, my vagina on display at school? Yeah. 

Kit Green [00:19:41] Mine. You know. 

Julia [00:19:42] I mean it. 

Kit Green [00:19:43] My mother, was a midwife to whole professional career. So my childhood was telling by my mom. Who has who? Anyway, we don't have time for this fully, but has no boundaries. But clearly it explains a lot about me and, my life, my especially my childhood was populated with this. Do you know Mister Ashworth? No. No reason. And then, do you know Mrs. Jones? No, no. No, nothing. And then, like, is one of yours. So I'd be, like 15. I might need that. My mum rang the sexual. No. Family planning. 

Julia [00:20:21] Oh. 

Kit Green [00:20:23] Okay. So should we go? It's one of your school friends, you know. Marcia Braithwaite and I would go. Why? And she's got no reason. And she had no boundaries whatsoever. So I basically knew everything about my teachers. Sex, lies. I knew I knew that one of my sports teachers, I only had one testicle because she just let it slip one day. 

Julia [00:20:46] As one does. 

Kit Green [00:20:46] And sort of, and then brilliantly would go, oh, no, no, no, forget I said it. I'm like, how can I forget? 

Ellie [00:20:52] Never. You can never. 

Julia [00:20:53] Forget. Never. 

Kit Green [00:20:54] She was that one. So she would definitely be doing that with the finger inside you going oh, by the way, I know your child. 

Ellie [00:20:59] Oh, by the way, the one testicle reminds me, you know, my mother is from London also. And so being a Jew from London, she has a lot of. Parody songs about Hitler. Like more than one. 

Kit Green [00:21:15] Oh, no. Of course, Hitler famously only had had one. 

Ellie [00:21:17] Hitler has only got one ball. 

Kit Green [00:21:20] Of course, you know. 

Ellie [00:21:23] But no. Oh, hers was hanging on the wall. 

Kit Green [00:21:26] Oh, no. His way. 

Julia [00:21:27] Albert Hall has so much better. 

Ellie [00:21:29] Wait. You do your lyrics and then I'll do mine. Go, please. 

Kit Green [00:21:32] Okay. This is so fine. This is folk art. This is. 

Ellie [00:21:34] I love them. 

Kit Green [00:21:36] Hitler's only got one ball. The other is in the Albert Hall. His mother, the silly bugger. And then I can't remember the last time. 

Ellie [00:21:43] Okay, so maybe there's something. 

Kit Green [00:21:45] Something, something the other I need, I've. 

Ellie [00:21:47] Here's mine. 

Kit Green [00:21:48] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:21:48] Hitler has only got one ball. The other is hanging on the wall. Himmler. He had one similar, but poor old Goebbels had no balls at all. That's so good. I she didn't make it up. But there's there's a few. 

Julia [00:22:04] That told me this morning when I got up that I was going to be listening to the two of you sing about Hitler this afternoon, I would. 

Ellie [00:22:12] Have said. 

Julia [00:22:13] You're crazy. Well. 

Ellie [00:22:16] It's just natural. It follows naturally from one testicle. This is really the first person I think of is. Yeah, I know it's true. 

Kit Green [00:22:22] Well, it's a great song and I love your version of it. It's much. It's much better. Your mother has done well. She has kept the flame alive. 

Ellie [00:22:29] I think it's the only song. She knows all the lyrics to that track. She forgets lyrics to everything else. The rest of the songs go da da da da da da da. And then and then she trails off. 

Kit Green [00:22:43] Baby so happy. And isn't it? I mean, with dangerously getting towards political propaganda during warfare. Yeah. Where are the songs about Putin's genitals? Do you know what I mean? Like, you know this, this is the way to win a war. 

Julia [00:22:56] Clearly a good. 

Ellie [00:22:57] Job for you and I. Yeah, I think maybe. 

Julia [00:23:01] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:23:02] Sorry to leave you out, Julia. You can do. 

Julia [00:23:03] It. Yeah. We you and I have our own band cutter dip, which we have to, you know, down the road, but, we'll get there eventually. 

Ellie [00:23:11] La. True. All right. I, I we've gotten so far off track. I have a question out of nowhere, apropos of nothing, of all the different specialists that a person has to see to maintain themselves, what is your least favorite type of doctor to visit and why? 

Kit Green [00:23:33] Wow. I mean, I mean, it's got to be hemorrhoids, hasn't it? I mean, you know, without even really thinking it through. I mean, it's, you know, it's got to be that sort of area. 

Ellie [00:23:44] Right? 

Kit Green [00:23:45] And then, you know, although, you know, colonoscopy is always fun. 

Julia [00:23:49] Oh, I love those. 

Ellie [00:23:50] It's a good nap. 

Kit Green [00:23:52] Yeah, that's a good laugh. Yeah. I mean, I'm a celiac, so I have to have those kind of things a lot. So. 

Julia [00:23:59] So I have all sort of colitis. I'm on the other side of the, I've know. 

Kit Green [00:24:04] There in a band. 

Julia [00:24:05] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:24:06] No, you're in a. 

Julia [00:24:07] Band called the Poop Band. 

Ellie [00:24:11] I feel like hemorrhoids. Like, I don't know, I, I've had hemorrhoids, I have hemorrhoids, but I have never, like, gone to the doctor. I just sort of deal with it myself. I've never had them. Not bad. 

Kit Green [00:24:20] Yeah, I've not been selected for that. I just have had to have, like. Yeah, I didn't know space and stuff had been, you know, see, I always find some, you know, just. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:24:30] Yeah. 

Kit Green [00:24:30] I know, I know. 

Ellie [00:24:32] I had my first colonoscopy this year and they now they show you full color photos of what they've done, the pictures they've taken, and then the photo at the top was like a picture of my hemorrhoid and with, like, a big arrow pointing at it. It was like hemorrhoid. And she was like, so, you know, if you want to talk about that. And I was like, I'm good. Like I'm not walking around like a cowboy, like my I'm able to operate in the world. 

Kit Green [00:24:56] No, no. It's true. And then, the last time I heard what they, they, I, I was, they had this enormous screen like huge, massive screen. And it was right next to the to to the bed. And so he keeps showing me things. And then in the end one of the nurses says, are you okay? Is it all a bit intense? And I said, I honestly, I honestly think I've got motion sickness because the TV is too close to me and you're rushing through my balance too quickly and so can you move it back? And they went, oh, you're the first person that's pointed that out. But most people look like they're they've got motion sickness. And I'm just like, yes, because now you. 

Julia [00:25:33] Know why. 

Ellie [00:25:34] You're. 

Kit Green [00:25:34] Miss TV right next to you and you're going through your own. 

Ellie [00:25:38] And you're taking a roller. It's like a it's like an immersive ride under your own. Yeah, yeah. 

Julia [00:25:43] I just, I this is why I just have them knock me out. I've had I've done them awake and I've done them being knocked out completely. Prefer to knock me out. It is so weird looking at the inside of your own bowels while something is shoved up your butthole. 

Kit Green [00:25:57] Yeah. And then not. 

Julia [00:25:58] Comfortable. 

Kit Green [00:26:00] Eating well, pretending they can't see, feces. 

Julia [00:26:04] Yeah, that's. 

Kit Green [00:26:05] What they do. They seem to play it very politely, in a very English way, sort of go, oh, like. The last that last one was also marked because I was doing I was kind of doing this poetry writing thing with this, with this, a songwriter that I work with. And so every day we were doing this like poetry slam, and one of us would lead it every other day and just a bunch of people anyway, blah, blah, blah. So I was attending it, once I was like, doing the pre-med thing I was attending on zoom. And so this nurse, this brilliant, lovely young man, it just opened the floodgates. And he started to afterwards when I was recovering, reading me his poetry. But it's so sweet, but also horrible. It's wrong. I was I was trapped. I would much rather people recognize me while putting a swab up my whatever name. Someone reads when I'm, like, coming around from things. I mean, I was a bit more weight than that. He did ask for my consent. But, look, you know the will of consent. How much consent can you get? If you. 

Ellie [00:27:12] Cannot? You can. I mean, you're you're they have all the power. Are you going to say no? 

Kit Green [00:27:16] And also somebody saying, I also write poetry. Can I read you some of my poems? The answer is only there's only one answer if you accept me, if you're British, which is, yes, of course I love. 

Ellie [00:27:28] And poetry is a slippery slope. 

Julia [00:27:30] It is. 

Ellie [00:27:31] I mean, what are you supposed to do with your face when somebody is reading you? It's like you either like, look. 

Julia [00:27:36] Unless it's very short and very funny. 

Ellie [00:27:40] Yes. Which is not read in haiku. I want to hear a haiku. That's all. I really. Yeah. 

Kit Green [00:27:44] Haiku. When I've just had something in, you know, flushed up my ass. 

Ellie [00:27:48] Yeah. Do you remember if the poetry was good and I. 

Kit Green [00:27:52] I don't really, but I do remember that he followed me on Instagram and would send me poems, I don't know, and sometimes. And then I had to employ the block method. 

Julia [00:28:03] That is. That is a story. 

Speaker 3 [00:28:06] It is. Oh, wow. 

Kit Green [00:28:09] That has uncovered some trauma that I've forgotten about. So thanks for that. 

Ellie [00:28:13] You're welcome. I wonder if this nurse specifically chose you. Like, if there was some vibe you were giving off. That was like. 

Kit Green [00:28:20] My fault is because I was doing the poetry zoom. Because they said it was. 

Ellie [00:28:23] Right, right, right. 

Kit Green [00:28:24] You got something to do for like you, it tastes like in 90 minutes or something to people. You know, you have to go in really early. And I was like, oh, you know, I can still do my zoom thing between 10 and 11. 

Ellie [00:28:35] It right? I missed that. 

Kit Green [00:28:37] And I was like, oh, I'm just in this poetry thing. So it just opened the floodgates. So basically, you know, Julie, your method of just being neutral and just like, well, I loved what you said. I'm here, I broke my body. I don't need to commit and I'm not. I'm just going to be neutral from now on. As neutral as is possible for me. 

Julia [00:28:52] I think that's great because I think before you were like, it was my. It's it's all your fault, kid. It's all your fault. It is not your fault that it's so British. It was. It was my fault. It's my fault. I put myself in that position. No you didn't. I say. 

Ellie [00:29:05] No. Before we go, Julia, I kind of want you to answer the question that I asked. What's your least favorite type of practitioner to go to? Because mine is the dentist. Like, I would rather have a gyno appointment, a boob squish, anything almost than go to the dentist. I deal with it fine, but I fucking hate it. 

Julia [00:29:27] Oh, that's a hard one. And like, I believe it or not, I think it's actually like my GP and I the here's why, here's why, here's why. Because. You only go to see your GP typically like for your annual right? But like if I have to go see my GP like mid-year, it's something's got to be bad. 

Ellie [00:29:45] Right. 

Julia [00:29:46] So I would say that okay. Runner up would definitely be the gynecologist because every time I walk through the door, it's like something, something. There's something wrong. 

Ellie [00:29:56] I don't mind it. 

Julia [00:29:58] You're so weird. 

Ellie [00:29:59] Well, I'm kind of like, I don't know. It's not that uncomfortable. It's like. 

Julia [00:30:04] I mean, I don't dread going in for my annual. You know, again, I look again. It's like an annual exam is different from what I'm talking about. It's like the. 

Ellie [00:30:12] Website is like, let's say I have bacterial vaginosis. Sorry, kit it. Let's say I have that. Yeah, I'm happy going to the gyno because I know that my torture is about to come to an end, because I'm going to get a diagnosis and a pill and feel better almost immediately. Yeah. So I'm glad to go and have whatever suspicions I have about what's going on confirmed. Like here's what I think it is. Yeah right. It's easy okay. Great. Give me the thing. 

Kit Green [00:30:36] Yeah. It's like hooray I have got gonorrhea after all. Because then otherwise I have to live with this itching for a journey. 

Ellie [00:30:42] And the gyno honestly is one of the few places where diagnoses do seem to be black and white, at least in my experience. Like it's this or it isn't. When you do the smear, it comes up with bad cells or it doesn't. Whereas when you go to the GP, they're like, I don't know, try this, try that. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that anyway. And it gets it's going to be painful no matter what. 

Julia [00:31:05] I mean, I just hate the dentist too. 

Ellie [00:31:09] Well, this has been remarkable. We've been really around the bend and back, I think. I don't even know what just happened. But, Kit, I love you, and I miss you. And I wish we lived in the same country and could write. 

Kit Green [00:31:24] But not for ages. But I'm doing a show next year. You are now at Park Avenue Armory. 

Julia [00:31:31] Oh, I love that venue. 

Kit Green [00:31:33] Places. 

Ellie [00:31:35] We will be there. 

Kit Green [00:31:36] Right? 

Ellie [00:31:37] We will be there. 

Kit Green [00:31:38] At 9:00 am. You know, I'm like, I'm not doing anywhere else, you know what I mean? 

Ellie [00:31:40] Like, yeah, why would. 

Julia [00:31:42] You. 

Kit Green [00:31:43] Do that? You can be part of. Okay. 

Julia [00:31:45] Yes. 

Ellie [00:31:46] Thank you. And by then we will have written some, disparaging songs about distasteful politicians and dictators. 

Kit Green [00:31:54] And like, by mocking their genitals. 

Ellie [00:31:57] 100%. So, so that listeners can follow your progress and go to the Park Avenue Armory if they're New York based or nearby, please tell them where to find you online, your socials, all of that. 

Kit Green [00:32:11] Sure. so I am kit underscore green on you know, Instagram and X and that's, that's basically all I can be bothered with. 

Ellie [00:32:21] That's the best place. 

Kit Green [00:32:22] To do TikTok. Even though I do. And then I miss postings and it's just hilarious when I go back. That's not what I meant to tell you. It's the love song of J R for Prufrock. And the quote is, that's not what I meant to. That is not what I meant at all. I don't think he meant it about TikTok, but he might as well have done so. 

Julia [00:32:43] Yeah. 

Kit Green [00:32:44] Yes. Please follow me. 

Ellie [00:32:46] All right. 

Julia [00:32:46] And we'll put all that in the show notes if you don't remember it. Don't worry. You can read it. 

Ellie [00:32:50] That's right. 

Julia [00:32:51] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:32:52] Thank you. 

Kit Green [00:32:53] Pleasure. Thank you about these things. And it's good to get this stuff out. It's not meant to, you know, to be clear about it. And I'm going to be a bit more. Let me just bring myself and just. That's enough. You know, people was like, I just say I'm enough. 

Ellie [00:33:08] You're not. 

Kit Green [00:33:10] That's enough. 

Ellie [00:33:11] I guess. I think my vagina is not enough. So I have to bring like my. 

Kit Green [00:33:15] My charm today if I'm bringing things. So I'm bringing whichever part of my body that's enough. They don't get small talk as well. Thank you for that. You've empowered me. 

Julia [00:33:24] I've. I've made a difference today because of you. 

Ellie [00:33:28] That.