Ass Faucets (with Mike Dressel)

It's our first "poopisode", and we can't promise it will be our last. Everybody poops - it's universal - so it was inevitable that our longtime friend Mike Dressel would relax us enough to let loose (literally). Mike Dressel is a writer, editor, former educator, and lapsed performer who went to college with Julia and Ellie. A friendship this long leads to the kind of belly laughs we have been craving, and we hope you enjoy Mike's tale of crapping his pants on Weiner Street as much as we did. Apparently there is an elite club comprised of people who have bonded over their loss of bowel control, and we're convinced that this bond is the key to world peace. Let us know if you agree.

Mike's website
Mike's Insta

Instagram @openupandsayha
YouTube @openupandsayha
Facebook @openupandsayha

Transcript

Ellie [00:00:08] Hello and welcome to Open Up and Say Ha. Stories from underneath the paper gown. I'm Ellie to work in Dan. 

Julia [00:00:14] And I'm Julia Granacki. Oh, hi. There we go. I just talk to right over you. Hi. 

Speaker 3 [00:00:18] No, this. 

Ellie [00:00:18] Is my Julia Granacki. This is mine. And this is. 

Julia [00:00:21] My Ellie Dvorkin Dunn 

Ellie [00:00:25] So, Julia, I, I have something to tell you that I don't think I told you that happened to me this week. 

Julia [00:00:34] Then you. I want to hear it. I want to hear it immediately. 

Ellie [00:00:37] I so I went to the Dominican Republic with my family. I had a wonderful, wonderful spring break vacation. Who knows when this is airing. It doesn't matter what its time. 

Julia [00:00:45] Doesn't matter. 

Ellie [00:00:46] When to suck it back. But, you know, in the Dominican Republic you can't drink the water. It's not potable. You brush your teeth with bottled water. All the things. We were at an all inclusive resort. They prepare the food with, like, distilled or purified water. The ice, everything's safe. Everything's good. Like, obviously they've handled it. We were fine. We were fine the entire time. The day after we got home, my child went off to school. My husband went off to work, and I was like, Superwoman. I did all the laundry because it's very tropical. Nothing ever dries. You gotta, like, wash all your shit. I and I'm on a fourth floor. 

Julia [00:01:20] Walk up like Florida, not Florida. Hot. Yes. Florida humid. 

Ellie [00:01:24] I slept up and down doing the laundry. Then we had no food in the house. You know, like I needed to do all the grocery shopping. But before I went to go to do the grocery shopping, I was very hungry from all the laundry. So. Oh, what? 

Julia [00:01:35] I was hungry from the laundry. 

Speaker 3 [00:01:37] From the laundry. 

Ellie [00:01:39] It was very, exhausting. What do we have in the house? What we had was, we had some eggs and some cheese and some questionable salami. I made myself, questionable salami, cheese and egg. 

Julia [00:01:53] Oh, no. 

Ellie [00:01:53] And as I am eating it, I'm like, this salami is not up to par. This is why. But I, I was very hungry and I ate it anyway. 

Julia [00:02:03] So you know that cheese and eggs would have been just fine. 

Ellie [00:02:06] Yep yep yep. Okay, I should do. I began very quickly to feel uneasy. Hmhm I picked my son up from school. We get home. The uneasiness gets worse and I think I've poisoned myself. I've food, poisoned myself with the salami. I'm going to throw up like. Like this is what's going to happen. Like I begin to get very nauseous and very sick. All I'm going to tell you is that for the next few hours, well, my husband comes home and I say. You've got to make dinner. I can't look at food. I can't smell food. I'm, like, very sick. I need to, like, just be in the bathroom. Like, does anyone need to pee? I just need to be in the bathroom. I didn't throw up, Julia. So I now question, can I. 

Julia [00:02:58] Can I say something? 

Ellie [00:02:59] Yeah. 

Julia [00:03:00] Needing to throw up and not throwing up is so much worse than throwing up. 

Ellie [00:03:04] I wish I could just. 

Julia [00:03:05] Yeah, you wish you could throw up. 

Ellie [00:03:07] I was queasy as fuck I was, and I'm not a good puga, so if I'm going to puke in nausea, well, I do know some people who can just like, no, you're. 

Julia [00:03:16] Right, my husband is. My husband is a good pitcher. Like I care about. 

Ellie [00:03:19] What they throw up in their diet. 

Julia [00:03:20] I'm like you, I'm like you. 

Ellie [00:03:22] I'll be nauseous for days and then, like, cry. It's terrible anyway. I'm cutting to the end before I basically. I don't think it was the salami. Maybe the salami was a trigger, because if it were the salami, I do think I would have thrown up what proceeded to happen. Yeah, and I'm sorry. Everyone was. 

Julia [00:03:42] They've already tuned in. They knew they knew what this was, right? 

Ellie [00:03:45] They knew what they signed up for. 

Speaker 3 [00:03:46] Yeah, it was liquid diarrhea. 

Ellie [00:03:49] The likes of which I have never had other than when I did colonoscopy prep. When you do colonoscopy prep, you sit down once. The once the stuff hits you and you just shit liquid it like you are an ass faucet. You are like this faucet. 

Speaker 3 [00:04:08] Woosh! 

Ellie [00:04:08] But because I didn't know if this was like traveler's diarrhea from the doctor, which I now think it was, I think like maybe I pick something up and honestly, I'm grateful it didn't hit me until I was in the comfort of my own home. Yeah, but the way my bathroom is set up is such that I can sit on the toilet and also lean over the tub at the same time, and I thought I was going to puke and shit at the same time, like I never did throw up. But I had the most horrifying diarrhea for about 3 or 4 hours until nothing else could come out of me. And I laid in bed and I did not eat, except for maybe, like, I don't know, half of a banana and some rice the next day. And then I was right as rain and I was fine. But, that happened to me. And you know who it could have been from the buffet. Yeah, I could, like, maybe I got a sip of, like, darker water. Maybe it was just the plane. I don't know, it's over now, but, it was an amazing button to a gorgeous trip. 

Julia [00:05:06] Yeah. 

Ellie [00:05:07] Really? Yeah. 

Julia [00:05:08] Yeah, I. 

Speaker 3 [00:05:11] Gross. 

Julia [00:05:12] That sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened to you, but it made a great story. And for that, I'm grateful. And for that, I'm grateful. 

Ellie [00:05:19] And, like, the story, like this is going to be a pupa. So because it is our guest today has a lot to say about it. 

Julia [00:05:25] A lot to say, to that, end, I was going to say one thing, but now I'm going to do a different thing. I'm going to talk about poop, too. 

Ellie [00:05:33] Oh, great. 

Julia [00:05:33] Yeah, I'm just going to I'm just going to put. 

Ellie [00:05:35] It. 

Julia [00:05:35] On nicely. I'm going to theme it up. So, this is not a recent thing. This is a long ago thing, but I'm going to share it anyway. I had, just gotten a job on a brand new independent film that I was working on. I had not been in New York for very long. I was going to be a wardrobe assistant on this film, and we were doing our prep in Dumbo in Brooklyn, and I was living in Harlem at the time, and we had all gone out for like, it was like a production kind of like party the night before at a bar to kind of like a meet and greet or whatever. Next morning I wake up. It's the first day of a prep, okay? And I wake up in the morning and I'm like. Not feeling so good. I don't. I don't feel good. And I was like, did I drink too much? And I'm like, no, no, this is different. This is different. This is different. So I call, the costume designer who's my supervisor. And I'm like, listen, like, I'm not making this up. I didn't drink too much. I am not well, and I'm not going to make it in today. Like, I just I'm not well and I'm like, are you okay? Like, is it food? Because I was like, we all kind of ate and drank the same thing. So I was like, you know, are you okay? And she's like, I'm fine. I'm like, Will you ask around and just see if other people are sick? Because I'm like, really, really sick. And I'm like, all right, am I going to throw up? I think I'm going to throw up. So I throw up and then I'm like, am I going have diarrhea? I think I'm have diarrhea. And by the way, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house at the time like his apartment. I'm not I don't have an apartment of my own yet. And. Then I'm like, I think it's going to happen at the same time. So like you, thank God the the bathroom was tiny and I could shit in the toilet and vomit in the bathtub. I could actually vomit in the sink too, because it was kind of like small in a tiny. 

Ellie [00:07:16] Little New York. 

Julia [00:07:16] Bathroom. And all I did for an entire day was shit and vomit at the same time. 

Ellie [00:07:23] Oh my God. 

Julia [00:07:24] Oh my God. And I felt like I was fucking dying. I felt like I was saying, and by the way, and my boyfriend at the time gave me so much like shit for like, being sick and was just kind of like, you know what? Like, I don't know, he was just not he was not very like, fuck that guy. Yeah. Fuck that guy. He wasn't helpful or comforting, wasn't really taking care of me, and was just kind of like complaining about me kind of getting my germs all over the place as if I had. Oh, it's. Oh, yeah, it was lovely. And then he got it. 

Ellie [00:07:53] Oh, good. 

Julia [00:07:54] Good, I know good. Fuck that guy. 

Ellie [00:07:57] Fuck that guy. Yeah. Well, this is truly episode. Why don't you tell them who we have on the episode today? 

Julia [00:08:04] Oh, I will, we have a very old friend, of ours from very long time ago who is a fantastic writer and, you know, all around amazing human being whom we love. His name is Mike Tressel. Like I said, he's a writer, editor, former educator, and lapsed performer. You can find his writing credits and more at Mike tressel.com. But, and, you know, I want to say something. I was thinking about this the other day. This is just a random. We're just going to we're going to totally derail a little bit here. A little bit a little bit, a little bit. I just said twice I have Covid by the way. Everybody Covid brain. So I was thinking about Mike Dressel the other day, and I was thinking about our college days. And it occurred to me when we were living in Florida, are you familiar with, like, winter, the winter garden area in Florida? Okay, so there's this really long trail. I don't I think it's something like. I was going to look this up and I forgot. It's like ten miles or so, I don't know, out in Winter garden. And it's beautiful. It's a little like True Detective first season. I'm not going to lie. You know, it's a little swampy. 

Ellie [00:09:09] A. 

Julia [00:09:09] Little like, you know, you got the, like, Spanish moss, but it's like, for Florida. It's like a really lovely, kind of like Florida. Kind of like landscape. Mike Trussell and I used to drop acid. And throw his bike in the back of my truck because I had a truck at the time, and I would grab my rollerblades and we would go on down to the trail and we would go up and down this trail. Me on my rollerblades without any kind of protection or padding, because who needs it? My dress on his bike. Up and down. Up and down this trail. Like all day on a beautiful day. Do you know what I'm saying? Just like. 

Ellie [00:09:43] Yeah, tripping, tripping, riding on wheels. Yeah. That is not something I've ever done. Yeah, but I can see it. It's very filmic in my mind. This experience that you. 

Julia [00:09:54] Have, filmic, scenic. 

Ellie [00:09:56] Filmic like like I know like I like it. 

Julia [00:09:58] Like a worm. 

Ellie [00:09:59] We'll look it up after this. Yes. But. Yes. 

Julia [00:10:02] All right, anyway, let's get into it. In here. All right. We're about his poop. 

Ellie [00:10:06] Okay. 

Julia [00:10:06] Okay. 

Ellie [00:10:10] Hello. 

Mike Dressel [00:10:12] Hi. Hello. 

Ellie [00:10:15] I know you didn't match my energy. That's fine. I'm sorry. 

Julia [00:10:18] Hi. Hi. 

Julia [00:10:20] Hello. Hello. 

Julia [00:10:21] Hi. Hi. 

Mike Dressel [00:10:24] Hi. 

Julia [00:10:25] And welcome to the pod like Michael Dressel. 

Mike Dressel [00:10:29] Thank you for having me on your podcast. Am I saying that right? 

Ellie [00:10:33] Yes. Yes. Cast to. 

Ellie [00:10:34] Cast? Sure. Yes. 

Mike Dressel [00:10:36] I don't I'm not familiar with the jargon. I don't know. 

Ellie [00:10:39] Neither am I. 

Ellie [00:10:41] They they've only been out for about three months. Podcasts. And so I think, you know, it's going to catch up very new. 

Mike Dressel [00:10:47] I hope so. Oh, here's how else, people. 

Ellie [00:10:51] Yeah. 

Julia [00:10:52] This is not our first podcast, but. 

Ellie [00:10:54] No, it's not. Yeah. I have a question for you that we like to ask all of our guests at the beginning of the podcast, and the question is, what kind of a patient are you in a medical situation? What kind of a patient are you? 

Mike Dressel [00:11:09] I am I'm an impatient patient. 

Julia [00:11:13] That sounds right. 

Ellie [00:11:14] But they more. 

Ellie [00:11:16] Yeah. Say more. 

Mike Dressel [00:11:17] And more. Sure. Well, I think a lot of it stems from there were certain times when I was living in some economic precarity and like, you don't have the time to around with the doctor. And a lot of times they're like, well, I'll come back and this and we'll try this, we'll send you to this special something. I don't have time or the resources or the money. You've got to just like. 

Julia [00:11:36] I can't miss work. 

Mike Dressel [00:11:37] No sitting. 

Ellie [00:11:37] Right. 

Ellie [00:11:38] Get it? Yeah, yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:11:39] Diagnose it. Get me out. Shoot me full of something, I don't care, I'm very impatient. I'm very impatient. You fix it today. Please. Please. Like you've trained for this your entire life. I just have an ouchie. Please make it better. 

Julia [00:11:53] Mike Dressel. 

Mike Dressel [00:11:55] Yeah. 

Julia [00:11:57] The name of your story today is called I Shit My Pants on Wiener Street. 

Mike Dressel [00:12:04] Right? Well, yes, it is called I Shit My Pants on Wiener Streets. And I did, and it was the middle of winter and I shit my pants consciously, deliberately, willfully but like I need to provide way more context for this story, so I. In in English it looks like we in our street. But I was living in Austria, so it's pronounced Vienna. Venus. 

Julia [00:12:29] Weiner Strasse 

Mike Dressel [00:12:32] Weiner Strasse yeah, I was there. I was finishing, working on a master's degree, so I was, like, doing a semester abroad. And it had been great up until this point. I got into the winter, and I wasn't going to be able to go home for the holidays and then come back to Austria, take exams, and then go back to the States. So, like, I was going to just hang out in Austria or, you know, do some traveling. 

Julia [00:12:53] I went to hang out. 

Mike Dressel [00:12:55] Oh yeah, for sure. I went to Munich. I went to Munich and saw the Christmas market. Went to Berlin for a few days. Then I went for New Year's Eve. I was going to Frankfurt to come with, friend of ours, Abigail. So I though I arrived New Year's Eve day, and I'm out. And it's this the first time I'm really spending time with her boyfriend. I'm staying in their place. 

Julia [00:13:17] The bar. Her boyfriend. You know. Fiance? No, no. Okay. Yeah. My husband. Right. They're married? Yeah. They're married. I don't know why that. 

Mike Dressel [00:13:24] I skipped, right? They skipped all the way to the have ten kids. 

Ellie [00:13:27] I don't know where you even got, I don't know. 

Mike Dressel [00:13:29] Yeah, I think I heard her, so I'm. You know, I was supposed to. I'm getting him trying to put in a good impression. We're out shopping for food, and I feel, like, sweaty and feverish, and my stomach is, like, more. And I'm like, okay, that's what I like, because I want to be a good houseguest, right? So I come back and I immediately, like, run to the bathroom and I'm like, I'm like, oh no, something's bad down there. There's some sort of gastric malady has taken hold. 

Ellie [00:13:55] I. 

Julia [00:13:56] I was like, I just have to just very quickly just say that there is. There is nothing worse than getting stomach cramps at someone else's house. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:08] Yes. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:09] Was a house guest. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:11] Being. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:11] I would like just throughout the day, I would just like sneak to the bathroom and like, try to be as inconspicuous as possible. Like, oh, they're going to wonder where all their toilet paper went. They were just like, oh. And then like, come back out. I'm like, hey friends, how's it going? 

Ellie [00:14:25] Oh, no. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:25] So that evening we were making, dinner and then we're going to watch some fireworks. She had invited a friend or two over, so we made, this is what we were shopping for. We made raclette, which is like, melted cheese, you know? Yeah. The bad fondue cousin. Yes, a melted cheese dish. My thinking was, oh, the cheese will bind me. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:43] Oh, will. 

Mike Dressel [00:14:44] Set me up. Well, that's what they say. 

Ellie [00:14:48] What was that book? The Steinbeck book where they go across the country. What the grapes of wrath. Oh, great. They say all the kids have diarrhea, and they say. 

Ellie [00:14:57] Well, no way. 

Julia [00:14:58] And book that no one had. 

Julia [00:14:59] Ever heard of. What is that? 

Ellie [00:15:01] That's the. He also has other books. So I had to think for a second. And I haven't quoted Steinbeck in a while, but the quote about cheese and children with diarrhea in the book is cheese will get rid of them. Skitters. 

Ellie [00:15:14] Hmhm. Silence. You both give it silence. Well, that was that would get rid of my skitters. Yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:15:23]  I thought this this raclette will bind me tight. Yeah, it did not. So it did not. So the next day, not only was there this New Year's Eve dinner, the next day was an open house. Abigail had invited all of her friends. 

Mike Dressel [00:15:36] From. 

Mike Dressel [00:15:37] Frankfurt to come over and hang out throughout the day periodically. So, like, I'm at this party, meeting people, shaking hands, telling stories, smoking cigarets, sticking to the bathroom, pooping. 

Ellie [00:15:47] Important question. Important question. New York City apartment here. One toilet. How many toilets in this Frankfurt apartment? 

Mike Dressel [00:15:55] One. I mean, it's it's a lovely apartment. Why? 

Ellie [00:15:58] One toilet? 

Mike Dressel [00:15:58] Well-appointed, spacious, but one. 

Mike Dressel [00:16:00] One toilet there. Official. Which is key. 

Ellie [00:16:03] When you've got an open house and other people may not use it. And now you're using it and stinking it up. Go ahead. Okay, I. 

Mike Dressel [00:16:10] Guess I am the frequent. Yeah, but like it worked, right? Like I was able to, like, disappear and come back and no one was the wiser. So I'm like, feel like I'm really, like, pulling this off. And then the next day I'm leaving. We like we hang out. The next day, we go out to dinner at this lovely Vietnamese restaurant. I'm trying to eat my food. I can barely take two bites. I've, like, run to the bathroom there like, three times. Finally, I was like. You guys. I don't feel good after what is going on. 

Ellie [00:16:38] Shooting. The raclette didn't work. No. 

Mike Dressel [00:16:44] The none of it work. So they're like, oh no. And I think we went to like a pharmacy and tried to get like the German version of Pepto-Bismol, whatever that might be. 

Ellie [00:16:51] Imodium. 

Julia [00:16:52] Oh yeah. Some. I'm sure it was. 

Julia [00:16:54] All natural, whatever it was. 

Ellie [00:16:56] Right. 

Mike Dressel [00:16:57] But they were putting me on a train, a night train back to Austria that night. So I was like, oh. 

Ellie [00:17:05] The only thing worse than having the skitters in a friend's toilet is perspective train toilet. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm sorry if I. 

Mike Dressel [00:17:14] And I know, I know you were correct. And that's. I say, like, I will tell you that having traveled a lot in Europe while I was there, I was like, oh, trains are the most civilized way to travel, I love it. No, I do not love it when it's overnight. And I'm trying to alternately sleep and not shit myself and then hover over the train toilet while you're, like, jittering through the mountains, you know, Germany and Austria. Yeah. Like that. Like so not pleasant, but I finally I make it back to Austria, I go home, I take to my bed, pull the covers up. I'm just like, I would like, right, try to ride this out. Right. You know, I've taken to my bed, my fainting couch. The good thing is, because I'm in Europe, they were just like you could see any doctor. I was like, I should probably see a doctor. And they have a list. The university was like, here's a list, and you just go again talking about this, like scheduling issue with doctors. And. No, I just went, yeah, just go. You just like, oh no, I'm the doctor. What? And I was like, so it was this like nice little old lady. And I explained what has been happening. Gastric sleeve. And she's like, oh no, I have this thing. Yeah. Here, I'm going to write you a prescription for this. This will help. Here you go. Take it to the pharmacy. These tablets and and it's like that. 

Mike Dressel [00:18:27] It's what you call pills. 

Mike Dressel [00:18:28] Charcoal pills. Yeah, right. It's not medicine. 

Julia [00:18:32] No. Because this is. 

Mike Dressel [00:18:32] Where like, this is. 

Julia [00:18:35] Say it. Yes. 

Julia [00:18:35] It's made about the German. 

Julia [00:18:37] Like. 

Julia [00:18:37] Yeah. Say it. 

Mike Dressel [00:18:38] No, this is where I like I turn into the ugly American because I'm like no no no no no no no, I don't want your homeopathy. I do not want like a tincture. I don't want a dram, I don't want a poultice. No, I don't want some sort of, you know, like a home remedy. No, I want American sized extra strength weapons grade antibiotic. 

Ellie [00:19:00] You want and you also want like Imodium A-D. That's going to stop the diarrhea. And you're not going to shit for a week. But that's fine. 

Mike Dressel [00:19:06] Yes. 

Mike Dressel [00:19:07] Yes I want to like nuke whatever is happening in my stomach colon, intestines that that. 

Julia [00:19:12] Charcoal is not going to like. 

Julia [00:19:13] It. 

Mike Dressel [00:19:15] No, not going to cut it, lady. It's just like I'm home. So I go to the little pharmacy, I feel the pills and I'm like, all right, let's hope this works. And it doesn't look like I have like a full week to like, recover before exams and classes. Also at this time I had been adopted by this coterie of Austrian stoners and they were like wanted to hang out. And I had come back and they're like, yeah, like, why can't you hang out? And I'm like, I don't. Well, my stomach is bad. And they're like, no, no, it's fine. And they're like, I'll come over and like they're gathered around my back and like, we've brought you a pill. It'll help, I promise you this here. And they hand me this and it's looking like asparagus pills. And again, I'd like bargains. 

Ellie [00:19:54] Don't get rid of them skitters. It's got to be cheap. You know, I was like, damn it. 

Mike Dressel [00:20:01] Damn you. So I was like, hey, friends, I'll just. I'll see you on the other side. Like, I can't, I got to get I got to get through this. And so finally, a couple of days pass and I feel like like it's lessons, right? Like the extremity of it has gone from like an 8.5 to like a three. So I'm like, all right, I'm ready to get back into the world. I'm also starving. Yeah. So I was like, I'm going to take myself out and have like a nice meal. So there was this, restaurant that down the street from where I lived, and it was mostly. 

Julia [00:20:31] Right down the street. 

Mike Dressel [00:20:33] Down the street off the, the Venus traffic. So they did, like noodle dishes, right? Like broths and soups and very Asian. And I think this will be a good way back into, you know, entree into food again. So I have it and I have my little meal and I'm so proud of myself. It's good. And then I was like, on my way home I put on my coat because again, remember, it's winter. Yeah I have like. 

Julia [00:20:54] Yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:20:54] Coat and the scarf and things. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to use the bathroom here real quick before I head home. 

Julia [00:21:00] Because I tried to plan being smart. Being smart. 

Mike Dressel [00:21:03] Right. So I'm, I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick, and I do. I'm ready. I'm walking home. Walking home due to doo doo doo doo doo. And then I feel it. That, like, punch in the gut of like, oh, God. 

Mike Dressel [00:21:13] Oh. 

Mike Dressel [00:21:15] You know, it's like, okay, this seems bad, but let's see if I can go so I can get a walk a few more feet and I'm going, I'm going. And then I'm like, oh no, then you have to stop, right? Because if you move any movement off a chain reaction. Right. So I just got to like be released. 

Ellie [00:21:29] The crack if you don't want to release the. 

Julia [00:21:30] Crack and the Skittles. 

Mike Dressel [00:21:32] The skitters a full skitter. So I just I just want to, like, do the the math. Right. So. Where I'm living in the student housing is on the quote unquote, bad side of town. You know, okay, I'm in Austria. I'm in a town that's less than 100,000 people, maybe 200,000 people. So the bad side of town is not bad per se. But the bad side of town means is it's, like, kind of desolate. And this is, again, this is like a Sunday night. There's the only things that are on that strip are like, bow and arrow store, lock and key museum, a couple of car dealerships. So, like, I can't, like, duck into somewhere else and be like, the. 

Julia [00:22:08] Bow and arrow star is not the place to use the shitter. 

Mike Dressel [00:22:11] No, no, they're all closed. I can't do like, hey, friends, like, can I come in? So I was like. And then I was already too far to go back to the restaurant I was at. And then there was the bus stop. So I was like, all right, maybe the bus will come in enough time. So I like sort of like rewind back to the bus stop. And I was like. Again, you have to do this calculus, right? Right. Because you're like, if I spent eight minutes waiting for the bus, that's eight minutes. I could have been further down the street. But do I trust that the bus is going to come in? Do I trust that I can make it eight minutes down the street? 

Ellie [00:22:44] Oh, shit. 

Ellie [00:22:45] Like that meme, right? 

Ellie [00:22:46] It's like that. 

Ellie [00:22:47] Shit. 

Mike Dressel [00:22:47] Man. Yeah, that meme of that woman. Like, wait, where does the equation in the thing? And I'm like, I'm in my mind palace trying to figure it out. So, like, no, I gotta go, I gotta walk. Yeah. We're going to go. So I'm walking walking walking walking walking walking slower slower slower than I stop. I stopped and I think no it's going to happen. Wait you know, is that like this is not like like sometimes like you could be drunk and like, mess yourself or you could be, like, thick, but like, I was 40. 

Mike Dressel [00:23:16] Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:23:18] Cool faculty. And I was like, that's yourself. And I need to also remember it's winter. I'm wearing, like, thermal underwear. Like long underwear like that. And I'm standing there like, I'm just like. You have to make peace with it, right? Like you cannot. There's no other thing to do. But. 

Julia [00:23:36] Yeah, yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:23:37] Make peace with that. Take a deep breath and release. 

Ellie [00:23:41] And you say. And so he. 

Ellie [00:23:42] Did good. 

Ellie [00:23:44] Listeners. So he did. 

Mike Dressel [00:23:46] And so he did. Reader, I took to myself. And so then I had to make the extra slow, shameful walk to the student place that I was staying. Right. And then I, stripped my clothes. I took that ax. I take the longest, hottest shower imaginable. You're ready to go like that? I had to take the clothes out to, like, the trash bins. Right. Which that to God. If you know anything about Austria and Germany, they're very particular about their trash and their recycling. Like, everything is separated, but it's trash bin. Does the poop clothes go because there's like. 

Julia [00:24:25] It's not labeled brown glass not labeled. 

Julia [00:24:27] There's no there's not have no bin. 

Julia [00:24:28] There's brown glass, but there's not brown shorts. 

Mike Dressel [00:24:32] No. Not very good. No there was. So I was just like, here. And I put it in there. And then I went back in and I tried to. I did from my mind. 

Julia [00:24:46] Did you ever. 

Julia [00:24:46] Find out what the fuck it was? 

Mike Dressel [00:24:48] Yeah. So whose script? There was another student, in the same sort of university who was also an exchange. And she had been around Munich at the same time as me. And she got salmonella and I was like, oh, that's what it was. That's what it was. Because we were like literally like. 

Julia [00:25:06] What's going to be my guest? So it's like salmonella E coli. 

Julia [00:25:09] Yeah yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:25:10] Yeah. Now it was totally it. But yeah, her experiences come out worse than mine. So I feel like I got away unscathed because she went to the hospital and they ended up doing a sonogram on her. They did a spinal tap, and they removed strep and DIC. 

Ellie [00:25:26] Know? Wait, wait. You get weight, you get charcoal pills. 

Ellie [00:25:32] She gets her appendix. Oh. 

Mike Dressel [00:25:34] Yeah. Because she was still was in I think she was still in Munich when she got sick. And so she had made it back to where we're think. So she was like in the hospital the whole Christmas break. They like, were taking stuff out of her. Take it, removing things. So I got to like, look, I left that country with all of my. 

Julia [00:25:48] All of your organs intact. 

Mike Dressel [00:25:50] Oh, my. Yeah. 

Julia [00:25:51] Oh, and all she needed was an antibiotic. 

Julia [00:25:53] I yeah. 

Julia [00:25:55] Had a similar experience. I will not I didn't shit my I mean I shit myself, but this is not the story I'm going to tell. I was on a cruise ship with my mom after her and her. Her then husband got married. It was like a celebratory cruise trip. And before we got on the ship, I knew I was coming down with, like, a a throat thing. You know, when you know. And it's like a throat thing I've had before, I know that the solution is an antibiotic. I know that it's it's an infection. It's like, strep or something. And I because I have had it many times and I've taken medication for it many times for it to go away. And the fucking medic or like doctor on the ship was German and I go to see him and I was like, dude, I was like, just give me a pack, I just want to Z pack. And he was like, no, that's not. And I'm like, give me a fucking Z pack. Like, I am on a celebration cruise with my mother. I am not going to spend it sick the entire time. And he was like, I will. We had to make a deal. He was like, if you go on the nebulizer and I'm like, the nebulizer is not going to do anything for me. I'm not having a breathing issue. I have an infection. It's a throat infection. So he's like, if you do the nebulizer, I will give you the Z pack. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, I'll do that. I don't give a shit. I'll do your nebulizer, whatever you want me to do to Samantha. So the nebulizer did approximately nothing. And within literally within like eight hours of taking that antibiotic, I was like, thumbs up. 

Ellie [00:27:25] You are the doctor now. I was. 

Ellie [00:27:26] The doctor. 

Mike Dressel [00:27:27] Yeah, I look at me. I'm the doctor now. 

Julia [00:27:29] I am the doctor now. 

Julia [00:27:32] This doctor now. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:27:33] Mike, that was a ride. That was a ride. 

Mike Dressel [00:27:37] Journey. 

Mike Dressel [00:27:38] I know the journey, dude. 

Ellie [00:27:39] Does. Does Abigail the friend you stayed with know this story? Know that you left her home and then eventually shit your pants on Vayner Street, Viner Street, Weimar. 

Mike Dressel [00:27:48] You're like, I like I just. Yeah, I must have filter I because we were in touch, like, while I was throughout my time in Austria and she's still in Germany. So yeah, I feel like I must have told her because, I mean, I did have to confess that I was like, you know, your toilet paper, I gotta go. 

Ellie [00:28:05] Yeah, yeah. 

Mike Dressel [00:28:05] So I think I feel like. I feel like I must have given her the, like, punch line to that hole. 

Ellie [00:28:10] And I'm sure to like your name. You know, we're all in our. We're in midlife now. Yeah. Three of us. Yes. And I am far more comfortable owning up to my bodily functions than I was. How old were you at this time? 

Mike Dressel [00:28:24] 30 like a 30 some. 

Ellie [00:28:26] Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. And at that time, even though, you know, everybody poops, you still have this, like, horror and shame and hiding and whatever. Whereas I feel like now if it was the exact same situation, you'd go up to her and her partner and you'd be like, you guys, I've diarrhea. So I'm going to be in and out as much as I need to, and I'm going to need, if you've got any meds. But like, this is what's going on with me and I don't know why, I'm like. 

Mike Dressel [00:28:47] We'll devise a system, I'll put a flag on the door or whatever. We would have. 

Ellie [00:28:50] Just fled rather than like. 

Ellie [00:28:51] Trying to be and thinking back, be the. 

Mike Dressel [00:28:53] Good houseguest. Yeah. About, like, manners. Right? Like I'm like, I. 

Mike Dressel [00:28:57] Don't want to make anyone says. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:00] Sure, I don't know. It was very like, yeah, I was just like, I don't know this guy. And I'm in his house and I'm. 

Julia [00:29:05] Like, you know, that's. 

Julia [00:29:06] What it was. 

Julia [00:29:06] And I think it was. 

Julia [00:29:08] More about her yeah, boyfriend than it was. It was out. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:11] I guess this person. Right. But he's like the nicest person, so there was no reason to even. But yeah, it just ended. It got about the house full of, like, German strangers who I've never met for, like, an open house. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:22] Like that's different. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:23] All. Yeah. Okay. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:25] I'll be up. 

Julia [00:29:25] To two to Luton over here. 

Julia [00:29:27] Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not great. 

Ellie [00:29:29] Do you have are you able to quantify the number of times in your life when you shit your pants as a, you know, nothing like a baby. That's it. That's the one. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:37] Like non like a non shart. 

Julia [00:29:39] Like an. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:39] Actual poop. That was the one. The one. 

Ellie [00:29:42] Like a low fat. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:43] Lightbulbs. Yeah. We've all gambled on that and made on the on like the shart situation really. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:51] And you know that. 

Mike Dressel [00:29:51] Would you know. 

Ellie [00:29:53] Play a d of a number. 

Julia [00:29:54] Have I fully pooped my pants? 

Ellie [00:29:57] Yeah. 

Julia [00:29:58] You know, it seems like I seem I it seems like I should have, but I have not like of all of you. Never people that we know. I should definitely be somebody who has their shit their pants with. 

Ellie [00:30:09] I would guess. 

Julia [00:30:10] Poop. Yeah, but I have. No. 

Julia [00:30:14] Yeah, yeah. 

Julia [00:30:14] Not shit my pants. I managed to move houses when I had c diff and not oh shit my pants. We were in the car coming back from like the old place to the new place. With my now husband and I. Looked over at him and I was like, I'm. I might have to shit my pants. 

Ellie [00:30:38] But you didn't. 

Julia [00:30:38] Hear in the car. Like I was just like, at least I'm sitting, I guess. But I wanted to warn him. I was like, I might have to shit my bodyguard. 

Ellie [00:30:45] I have only once. It was within the last. 

Julia [00:30:48] Oh yeah, five years. I know the story. 

Ellie [00:30:51] And I'm not. I'm not going to tell the full story for very important reasons, but I'm just going to say that I was in a situation where I was so stressed and nervous that my stomach was doing the things, and I thought, I really, I thought I farted and and but but I thought I farted. And then like some minutes later I was like, it is rank in here. 

Ellie [00:31:09] Yeah. Is rank and rank in here I was alone and I was. 

Ellie [00:31:13] Alone and I was like, what cold. 

Julia [00:31:16] Can I, can I add color to this? She was on a zoom. 

Ellie [00:31:20] And then I, oh I Jack no I wasn't. My face wasn't showing on the zoom which is good. 

Julia [00:31:26] That's important. 

Ellie [00:31:27] But I checked and I was like, oh my God. And it was, it was a zoom that I could not leave. So I had to wait until a break. So I had to sit with it, wait until a break and then run and like, destroy all my clothing and get cleaned up and like, come back. But I was horrified because I have excellent sphincter control, like I have never even come. You talk about coming close. There's many close calls. Never, ever, ever have I. I mean, I've held my foot like a champ, and I get, I don't know why I was so nervous and unglued, but man, it was a real surprise. It was a. 

Ellie [00:32:02] Look at my underwear. I had to look at my underwear and be like, oh, oh, that much? Oh that much is there? No, I didn't know what could I not really. 

Julia [00:32:11] I really did it. 

Mike Dressel [00:32:12] I will say though, having now told this story, having told this story over last, people will then confess to you about their poop. Oh. Public store. It's like you're part of a secret club. They're like, come in. Yeah. Sit down. Like I had told me he was visiting his grandparents and like, their retirement community and went for a run like Arizona. It was like halfway through the desert on a random was like, oh, oh. So yeah. No, everyone's. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:32:38] I mean, it. 

Ellie [00:32:38] Really does find you. 

Ellie [00:32:39] With this. I know someone who was driving and stuck in traffic and was like, oh, it's coming right now. And this person had a skirt on and some napkins, grabbed their legs, lifted up their. 

Ellie [00:32:52] Took no, wasn't a. 

Ellie [00:32:53] Diarrhea. It was like a proper formed let it come out into the napkin, folded. 

Ellie [00:32:59] It up in the napkin and then continue driving until they could. 

Ellie [00:33:02] Get out of the traffic and get cleaned up. That just like. 

Ellie [00:33:05] Champion. And yeah, it was like, baby. 

Ellie [00:33:08] Just. 

Ellie [00:33:09] Come and liberate it. 

Julia [00:33:10] An absolute legend. 

Ellie [00:33:12] But I thank goodness for the skirt. 

Julia [00:33:14] Yeah, but you know what? But here's I, I have to kind of like I wonder if this is listen when you have that kind of urgent. 

Julia [00:33:22] Listen shit. Okay. 

Julia [00:33:24] It is never a perfectly formed poop that you can just pick up. I find this hard to know. 

Ellie [00:33:29] I know it's really hard with this person. It's like, oh, I have to go. I have to go now. 

Ellie [00:33:34] And it it it I. 

Ellie [00:33:36] I identify because I'm like this now. Like I'll tell my family like I have to go and they're like, okay. And then I'm out in two seconds. I'm like, I have to go right now, and then I'm out in two seconds. And it's like, I've got a baseball bat and they're like, how did you go that fast? I'm like, I sat down, the baseball bat came out and. 

Ellie [00:33:50] I flushed and waited to wash my hands. 

Mike Dressel [00:33:52] All right, all right. This does seem fine, but I'm not going to. Far be it for me to question anyone's pooping in public story. So if that happened, if she says it came out, then yeah, sure. Toss it right out the window. Carry on. 

Ellie [00:34:07] I think it went out the window. That would be really okay. Shameful. That's shameful. 

Ellie [00:34:11] Shitting in a napkin. Is glass fine? Throwing it out the window. Well, this is another level. Yeah. 

Ellie [00:34:19] This has been gross and hilarious, and I feel. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:23] That's what I am for. 

Ellie [00:34:25] Seen. Lifted, soiled. All the things. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:28] You know, last year I enjoyed. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:32] I'm happy to not have. 

Julia [00:34:33] Mike Dressel tell people where they can find you and read you. Because Mike Tressel is a writer. Oh, where can we find the things? 

Mike Dressel [00:34:42] Yeah. I'm, Mikedressel.com is my website that has links to all sorts of other things. Writing. Socials. Yeah, all that stuff. That would be a good place to start. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:55] And we'll be. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:55] In the show. And then I'm on the Instagram, put it on the show, notes on the gram. 

Mike Dressel [00:34:59] And on all the things. Yeah. Cool. Amazing. 

Julia [00:35:02] This was great, man. Thanks for coming on the show. 

Julia [00:35:04] Thank you. Thank you for having me on your podcast. 

Julia [00:35:08] Guest. 

Julia [00:35:09] Thank you. Yes. Got it. I will endeavor to learn that.